howdy, stranger.

it has been many months since i have posted in this blog. and if you're reading this, that probably isn't news to you.

while i don't think i owe anyone an explanation, there are a few reasons why i stopped blogging, and i'm gonna just let it all hang out.

i got scared about my health and decided to ignore the situation.
yeah, this isn't a mature way to deal with something, but that's just the truth. i decided i wanted to just LIVE for a while. live as someone who doesn't have a weight problem, or an acid reflux problem, or whatever else might be going on.

i was distracted.
i started seeing someone, i was preparing for my spring trip to japan, i moved from an apartment to a house, i worked full-time in the summer, i transferred universities and subsequently went through a time of serious depression. while i didn't consider these things legitamet reasons to not be "on plan" (life happens, right?) - i allowed them to be. i just wasn't strong enough to do it all.

i recognize that i put my journey on the backburner, and almost as soon as i did it i realized it was a mistake. the thing is though, i don't feel guilty. i know i just needed that time to re-charge and reflect. some amazing things have happened to me on my "weight loss journey" during the months i was not actively losing weight, and that is because this "weight loss journey" is actually my life journey. and maybe i just needed to reconfigure that too.

.... in any event, i'm back :)

after all that has been said and done, i'm ready to get back to dealing with me and (more relevantly) dealing with the weight. and i've been lurking around the blog world - intermitently and imperceptively, but i've been around :) i've been watching the continuing progress of some of my favorite bloggers, and have been encouraged in their success and in their preservence.

in my travels i have seen that a lot of people, not just me, have struggled this past year. reading about their strength to get back on track has motivated me as well :)

it feels good.
i missed you bloggity blog.

ramblings

i woke up with a sore throat this morning and the incessant urge to sneeze. i feel completely drained, but i don't know if that is because of the lack of sleep due to bachelorette/birthday partyness that has gone on this weekend mixed with the time change, or because i'm legitimately "sick" with a cold.

therefore, i sit here writing this blog post rockin' the i-don't-care-what-i-look-like-right-now-because-it-took-all-the-energy-i-had-just-to-shower look. i'm gearing up to start a marathon of homework, so the look works.

down to bizznass. first, weigh-in!

saturday morning, (i just sneezed fyi) i weighed in at 191.0 at WW which brings me back to my pre-florida/binge weight. i'm super excited because next week i could weigh-in in the 180's! *squeals of excitment*

i did want to tell you all a little bit about florida! it was a really nice trip that i spent with my mom and sister. at first, i wasn't sure how it was going to be spending so much time together, because i don't spend a lot of prolonged time with my family. however, we stayed at a resort in kissimee and spent our time shopping, swimming, at the spa, or doing other equally kewl things and all in all, it went pretty great! on wednesday i had the whole day to myself while my sister and mom went to disney, and that was sooo good. i'm not sure i would have made it through the trip without that day - i'm definitely one of those people that needs alone time to recharge.

the best part of the trip was the kayaking tour we took the day before we left. it was a night tour where we saw the sunset, and then got to go and search for some bioluminescent jellyfish! awesome fun!

our tourguide

a shot from my kayak

one of the not-so-great things that did happen on the trip was that i had a little meltdown at the grocery store when we went to go and get food. i had been sharing with my mom earlier that day about how hard it had been for me the past few weeks since my test, and how i was really struggling with food choices. she sympathized with me and seemed to understand. however, when we got to the grocery store that night, we split up. while i picked up a few healthy things, she piled the cart full of junk foods.

this stirred up some serious emotions in me. it brought me back to when i was first trying to lose weight at 285 lbs (when we still lived together) and she would always complain that my cooking was too healthy and that she didn't like it. she'd buy tons of junk food, put it in our cupboards and tell me to "just not eat it."

and this is the part of the story where i make a rant.

i hate it when people say, "well, i'll buy this and you just don't eat any!"

HA!

listen here, all you skinny people that think losing weight is just that easy.

listen here all you cold, unfeeling family members.

i hate it when you idiots say that to me! obviously i want to eat what you're buying. i'm not not buying it because i don't not want to eat it, you DINKOS. i want it just as much as you do!

the only thing that keeps me from buying that double chocolate brownie fudge batter ice cream is SHEER POWER OF WILL! and really, at some point (let's be realistic here) that is gonna wear off. so don't tell me to just "not eat it."

that's not gonna happen.

anyways! in other news... one of my favorite things in the world right now is my own green goddessish dressing. last week, i made a tomato/coconut shrimp recipe (SOOO GOOD) which called for fresh cilantro. the bunch i got from the store was soo big that i had tons of it leftover. to use it up, i decided i'd whip up a little salad dressing with some other things i had on hand, and it worked out fantastic! here's the "recipe" :)

quick and creamy cilantro dressing

• handful of fresh cilantro
  
• 1 tablespoon hellman's light mayo
  
• 3ish tbsps water
  
• salt
  
• clove of garlic
  
• 1 tsp. onion powder
  

whip the ingredients in the magic bullet until smooth. yields approx a 1/4 cup of yummy green dressing!

honestly, this stuff rocks my world.

hope you all had a good weekend!

tgif

when i stepped on the scale this morning, something amazing happened.

i stepped on, and was incredibly startled to see 190.0

i had to weigh myself twice just to double-check that i wasn't imagining things.

this - my friends - is completely unchartered ground. i mean, it's been unchartered for a while - but being on the brink of the 180's?! i feel a whole new sense of motivation to push forward.

just had to get that out of the way :)

this week i haven't been on track 100% with food, but i at least went grocery shopping and have been counting points. and drinking water. i'm slowly moving towards healthier overall living (i know myself, and i always move at turtle speeds) but i'm doing better than i have been the last few weeks, and that is good.

overall though it's been an amazing week. it was one of those weeks that could have been a downer (i was turned down for a promotion at work), but instead it has been fantastic and i feel so blessed to be living my life.

i love having that peace about where i am in life.

anyways, i'm off to a bachelorette party tonight! :) next post i will share some stuff about florida and my new love for green goddess dressing.

xoxo

monday is a new day.

okay, i confess. i have been a slacker. the past few weeks have been a mixture of confusion/excitment/busyness, but i am back. and i've realized something important:

the endoscopy and subsequent "what if" questions totally freaked me out. after googling all the things that could be causing the acid/digestive-type problems i have been having for the past two years, my "it's not that serious" bubble was totally burst. suddenly i was overwhelmed with helplessness and frustration.

what really threw me off track were some of the recommendations to clean up your digestive system. i mean, i've already given up almost all white carbs and sugar in an effort to lose weight and combat insulin resistance. other recommendations were to eliminate dairy and gluten (wheat), limit hard-to-digest vegetables (such as broccoli and brussel sprouts) and eat as little meat as possible.

that might be fine and dandy, but i have been instructed to stay away from certain things because they effect the acidity in my stomach. i stopped eating oranges and grapefruits, don't drink coffee or anything that is caffienated, or eat certain spicy foods (so sad since i love curry...).

in this whirlwind of "DON'T EAT THIS, DON'T EAT THAT!" i began to feel like,

HOLY CRAP - WHAT CAN I EAT?!?!?

needless to say, i had a little meltdown on a trip to the grocery store. absolutely everything i picked up had something "bad for me" in it. i left the store crying, drove home and cried myself to sleep. i then followed that up with a three week binge on many many crappy foods, because i just felt defeated and needed to live in denial for a while.

anyways, it's three weeks later and i am back on the wagon. i finally admitted to myself how upsetting this whole situation has been for me, and have made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the test.

in the meantime, i've cut myself some slack. i am continue to eat healthy in the best way i know how. even if i can't figure everything out with my body right now - i can still lose weight and that will help my overall health.

thanks for being patient and hangin' in there with me.

in other news - i was in a musical on the weekend which was a fundraiser for my trip to japan in may. it was fantastic! here are some pics:

gettin' mic'd! (yes i made him pose)


showtimeee


end of the show!

again, thank you to all you who follow me, for all your support and for sticking with me. i really appreciate your words of encouragment and they are what keep me comin' on back to this blog :)

xoxo.

a not-so-quickie quickie

so i am back on the wagon after a week-long wander into carbland. i don't think a vegetable passed my lips for those four days!

monday, tuesday, and wednesday were stamped as epic failures and i wallowed in guilt until thursday when i decided i just needed a breather. i needed some time to think about stuff other than my weight. i realized during this self-imposed hiatus that the meal plan is not something i should be doing on a regular basis - only during busy times. this week i felt incredibly restricted and it just backfired completely. when i was forced to eat things that were not on the plan, i felt a complete loss of control. it was also demoralizing to think that i had spent sooo much of my time on something that i wasn't. even. using. anyway, i remembered that part of why i love ww is that it is flexible! my life is always crazy and i need to be able to let the program work for me. so, no more meal plans that are that strict...

anyways, in other news i am going away for spring break baby!

FLORIDA HERE I COME!

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOO!

i'm pretty excited! booked my flight on thursday night, so all things are go... i am leaving in one week today! *shocked face*

i'm really looking forward to a vacation and having some me-time. christmas was a great break - but it felt like it was all go-go-go-go. i basically lived out of my car for a week travelling around to see friends and family. after new years i thought i would have time to chill/relax/figure out life... but i spent three days watching jersey shore and then it was back to the grind. no fair!

so this time i'm looking forward to five days of bliss on a beach and am working like a mad little bunny on homework so i can go with no assignments looming over my head. *sigh* such is the life of a student.

in other news, i am still training for the 5k. i increased my speed so i am back to intervals (blah). it's harder than i expected it to be at this point. i thought by this point i would just be used to running - maybe even enjoy it... but i still struggle around 5 - 10 mins, and after that a string of unmentionable curse words occupy my mind. hopefully this will change soon. at least i'm still at it? that's an accomplishment, right?! heck, i've been running since the beginning of november... four months dude. that's committment.

anyway i wanted to share a little story to finish off this post; something that reminded me of the importance of little steps going the distance.

well, last year around this time i weighed about 210 lbs. i had just started a new job and my supervisor weighed about the same as me after recently losing a lot of weight on ww. i found her weight loss really inspiring and so when i joined ww again back in the summer, i let her know. at that point she was maintaining her weight but was no longer doing the program.

i continued with ww during the summer, but come fall i lost motivation and spent two months off of the program. once the end of october rolled around, i realized i needed to get my crap together. a big motivator for me to rejoin was something i had written in my journal two years before; "...i don't want to be at this same place next year..."

it was really humbling reading that more than two years later. i still had the same goals and desires, and i had let myself be slack for way too long. it was positively unacceptable to think that a year from then things could still be the same. i wasn't going to allow it. i wouldn't continue to let my life pass by me unhappy and unfulfilled. i rejoined ww in october with a fresh resolve.

now for the neat part. since i started that job last year, which seems like aaaaages ago (but of course at the same time like yesterday) i have lost about 20 lbs. i'm happy for my accomplishments, including the weight loss, but sometimes get frustrated and feel like i could have done more.

the other day i went in to work and bumped into my old supervisor, whom i haven't seen for quite a few months. while we chit-chatted i couldn't help but notice that she has gained a lot of weight since the last time i saw her. probably 30 - 40 lbs.

something about seeing her made me swell with pride. i think it is because we started at the same point, but went two separate ways. i know that if i had made choices that did not put my health as a priority - being a member at ww, making healthy meals, going to the gym, etc. then i could very well be in the same spot as i was last year (my initial fear) or worse - have gained even more weight.

the sacrifices, decisions, and money that have gone in this journey haven't been wasted. and it's still just beginning! i know that the future has so much more for me...

have a great day bloggies!

meal plan!

now, just for the record, i'm not a detail-oriented person... the pts values are guesstimated here and there...

hard work = success

sorry i have been mia for the past week or so! i really have no good excuse, only that i have been too lazy to write about the happenings of my life!

this past week was much less stressful than other recent ones. my "to-do" list has gotten significantly shorter, and so i feel much less overwhelmed! :) i by no means have life "under control" - but i'm working on it! and the good news is despite having the urge to binge on carbs until the point of a food coma every day - i still managed to lose 1.2 lbs this last week!

*thumbs up*

i am now at 192.6 lbs!

i made another meal plan this week because i found it was really helpful last time - for a few reasons.

• the meal plan helps me make good choices objectively. i can see my food laid before me before i even purchase it, let alone put it in my mouth! it's helped me realize how much i truly eat without thinking, and how much more balance i can use in my diet. the new perspective has been really helpful!

• it takes the edge off of having to constantly plan what i am going to eat. i hate that feeling of being starved because i didn't pack a lunch, or didn't have a snack to bring, am standing in line with nothing healthy to order or am home and have nothing suitable to make a meal in my fridge. it's much less chaotic to just take some extra time at the beginning of the week and have everything more or less done, accessible, and ready-to-go.

this meal plan idea has been a part of practicing what i've been learning recently.

i am at a time in my life where i really feel myself changing. i'm beginning to realize that to get from where you are to where you want to be requires hard work. this may sound simple and obvious to some of you, but it is a lesson that is only truly hitting home for me now.

for example - so many times i beat myself up for not being farther ahead in life, whether that be in school/a career/a relationship/whatever. the feeling creeps up especially during times when i have to contemplate major life decisions, like i have in these past couple of weeks.

it's especially severe when i see old friends who are happily plugging along in life, or meet people who are doing what i want to be doing. it is so easy for me to be confronted with their success, become inflamed with jealousy and spiral into a mental landslide of negative emotion and self-talk.

however, this week i realized something worth sharing: it is easy to be jealous of someone's success.

it is easy for me to look at others great opportunities/skills/talents/accomplishments and die a little bit inside, because i don't have what they have.

however, 9 times/10 that success is simply a byproduct of years and years of hard work.

i see success, not the hours of practice.

i see success, not the years of volunteer work and study.

i see success, not the heartbreak and doubt.

it is so easy to be jealous of someone's success if you're ignorant of how hard they worked to achieve it.

this lesson obviously applies to my weight-loss journey as well. it is another aspect of my life where i cannot neglect the importance of plain 'ol hard work. yes, making my meal plan was a pain in the buttocks. but perhaps that's just what it takes to be successful. either it is worth it to me or it isn't.

hopefully you are able to see that i decided it was :)

anyhoo, feel free to post any comments on this! i love your comments! i'll post a copy of this week's meal plan! sorry i didn't post last week's but i didn't think it was good didn't think you'd be interested. you are more than welcome to peruse this one :)

toodles!

p.s. can't forget to say how SUPER excited i am to have won kerry's book giveaway! yay yay yay! so excited to dig into that baby!