goals

yesterday i was reading someone elses blog, and they reminded me of how many years i have waited to lose weight. i realized how sorry and defeated i have felt for myself, never doing anything about it. i've wallowed and pitied myself, and comforted myself with food, but i've always used that as an excuse to wallow a little more, a little longer, denying myself the chance to have what i really want.

so what is it i really want? i want to be able to feel good about how i look, to be healthy, to find out what the weight is holding back. i wanna strip away the reasons i punish myself by staying the way i am. i want to prove everyone wrong.

it's my choice and my journey.

today i'm praying for strength.

exposure

a few months ago i had this dream.

in my dream, i was somehow teleported back in time to when i was eighteen. it was some mistake of the space-time continuum.

for a long time i just chilled out in 2005. i went to places i was familiar with, thinking perhaps somehow i would find the key to get me back to where i really belonged.

since i kept going to familiar places and seeing familiar things, the whole time i was overwhelmed by this pervasive fear of coming face to face with myself. that is, the person i used to be. i kept seeing myself at my old hotspots, dressed in my old clothes and weighing my old weight. everytime i saw myself i had to hide my face and i would skulk around so that i wouldn't be seen. coming face to face with the old me was so scary that i could actually feel it in the pit of my stomach. you know, that achy fear. i was terrified.

part of me feels that same kind of fear beginning this journey.

who knows what will be unconvered underneath this weight?

will i like what i see after all of it is gone?

and what if i don't?

me: uncovered

random tidbits about me:

i love...

peanut butter.
my sister.
music.
sleep.
movies you get lost in.
painting my nails funky colours.
sandy lakes.
good talks with friends.
coffee. i fell in love with it only to be told i can't drink it anymore by the doc :( what a sad thing indeed!
funky sunglasses.
toronto.
learning new things.
travelling.
people. when they don't annoy the crap out of me.


sometimes i think...

i will fail.
i will be a fabulous success.
my family is so weird.
i could change the world.


i cry when...

i feel lost in life.
i feel like i lost a friend.
i remember how things once were.
i feel powerless to change.
someone i love is hurting.
i wish that things were different.