exposure

a few months ago i had this dream.

in my dream, i was somehow teleported back in time to when i was eighteen. it was some mistake of the space-time continuum.

for a long time i just chilled out in 2005. i went to places i was familiar with, thinking perhaps somehow i would find the key to get me back to where i really belonged.

since i kept going to familiar places and seeing familiar things, the whole time i was overwhelmed by this pervasive fear of coming face to face with myself. that is, the person i used to be. i kept seeing myself at my old hotspots, dressed in my old clothes and weighing my old weight. everytime i saw myself i had to hide my face and i would skulk around so that i wouldn't be seen. coming face to face with the old me was so scary that i could actually feel it in the pit of my stomach. you know, that achy fear. i was terrified.

part of me feels that same kind of fear beginning this journey.

who knows what will be unconvered underneath this weight?

will i like what i see after all of it is gone?

and what if i don't?