Wednesday, October 21, 2009

what will it take?

been trying to find some source of motivation for the last two weeks... i need to kick my butt in gear, to really jump on board and do this with everything i got. i keep trying to ask myself what is at the bottom of me not wanting to do what it takes to lose weight. is it because i'm scared? is it because i'm lazy? because i'm addicted to food? all of the above? i'm confused and need to refocus. i need to dedicate myself, and find the motivation to do that from somewhere. today i found a great quote:

"I can't take away the things that have happened to you or me, but what we have (maybe as a reward for getting through all those other days) is today... today is a gift."

and also...

"behind every beautiful thing there is some kind of pain." - bob dylan

Saturday, October 10, 2009

lazy day

it's 2:30 and i still have yet to make anything of this day. what a bummer. i've decided that tuesday will be the day i recommit to the program.

today is the first day of the rest of my life. i'm gonna get up, shake myself off, and start walking in the right direction :) i won't forget that there is something inside me that makes me strong.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

people are funny

i was on the elliptical at the gym today, feeling incredibly thankful for the fact that my room mates are now my gym buddies.

i was also thinking about how much i like watching people at the gym. i like analyzing them. i wonder what they're like and where they come from. i wonder how old they are, and if they are married. i run into the same people alot and they have become my little friends, who i have never met, but i know who they are and they know who i am.

there is mr. i'm-so-hot, who walks around the room as if everyone is looking at him. he checks out all the girls shamelessly, chats people up, and uses the water fountain frequently to spit in. there is the arms-like-thighs guy, who has massive arms but also wears camo pants and combat boots to come work out (which i find quite strange). there is the old lady who has high pants and a ponytail (she sweats alot), the young girl in full makeup and hair who doesn`t sweat at all and talks on her cellphone the whole time she`s on the elliptical, and vegetable-man; a man who shaved his entire head except for a small island on top, which grew long enough to part in the centre to make him look distinctly like a carrot.

these faces make my trips to the gym more interesting.

operation: motivation

this weight battle seems to have gone on forever. sometimes i find myself thinking - "you know, this is just a part of who i am. maybe my body isn't meant to shed this weight. maybe even i lose thirty pounds, i'll still look exactly the same"

realizing this has been a big deal. i certainly don't look the same as i did 85 lbs. ago, and there was a time i never thought i could get any smaller. so i'm still on this journey - it hasn't stopped yet and i don't think it ever will. losing weight is just a part of my life, but it's a part that is connected to my priorities, the way that i handle things, the way that i treat myself and the way i discipline myself. those things will always be important.

motivation is sometimes so hard to come by. i have trouble keeping my goals clearly in front of me. this blog is the diary of my struggles but also a scrapbook of all the things that keep me motivated. so why am i doing it?

i want to feel better and have more energy
i want to look better
i want to avoid the risk of diabetes and high blood pressure
i want to save my knees
i want the real me to shine through
i want to stop making excuses for not living life

i can, and i will.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009