crazy shopping times!

yesterday my sister, my mom and i decided to take a little trip to buffalo and do some cross-border shopping (yes, my american friends - we heart you and your kewl stuff). anyhoo, needless to say i went a little over my budget... *bite nail*... but i got some amazing stuff that i am really excited about! most of it is clothes, but i also got some makeup and jewlery.

i laid out a good portion of the stuff on my bed;


a pashmina, some tshirts (they were $4), that plaid thing you see buried is a dress i got for $2! i spent quite a bit on purses. needless to say i have been using the same purse since may, even though the zipper is broken. i love big purses. i stuff 4974755.4 things in them, and haul them around like santa claus with a big bag 'o toys. yes, that woman in the mall who huffs, grunts, and accidentally slams people with her enormous bag is me. bahahah.

this is a closeup of the stuff i'm reeeally excited about. the coach wristlets were $23! and the makeup is my favorite stuff!

weeeeeeeee! now, i bought a ton of clothes from target because they are cheap and awesome. i bought 2 dresses in particular that i think are grand, and i think i am going to wear one tonight. a friend of mine invited me to go to an informal concert/mingle thing. sooo which one do you think i should wear?!

this one... i love the flowers!

or this one? i'd wear both with a black cardigan 'cause maaaaaaan it's cold these days! last night driving back home from the states my mom and my sister didn't stop complaining in the car about how i was blasting the heat! i loooove my heat. lol.

anyhoo friends, happy new years to you all! have a great one and spend it with those you love!

goodbye 2009

wow, i really can't believe this year is almost over.

this time last year? man, i can't even remember what was going on. i was really depressed in november, but christmas was a momentary escape from the humdrum of life. i was so unhappy. thank goodness that has changed! i'm so glad that life is fluid and adaptable, and even though sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a rut there is always the opportunity to commence total life renovation.

this year i have accomplished so much. i started a job that i thought i would hate, but instead have truly grown to love. i've lost 15 lbs. i started running. i made friends with people who are (now) some of the most influencial people in my life. i made major decisions about staying in school instead of travelling the world. i saved money. i learned a lot.

looking back, i want to be able to say there was a defining moment. but really, this past year has looked like a lot of other years in my life; a gradual unfolding of strength, character, and self-discovery. i continue to slowly but surely aspire to become someone better, someone more merciful, forgiving, loving, and faithful. i don't live a glamorous rockstar life, but God has given me so much to be thankful for this past year, and so much to look forward to in the next.

christmas pics!

here are some pictures from my christmas shenanigans!

the mocktail bartendress! always a hit at parties :)

enchiladas with dear friends!

they unfortunately made me sick though..

(the enchiladas, that is... heh)

notice my trusty water bottle!

singalong times!

and me in the post-christmas chaos!

home

after days of travelling around, hauling my stuff in and out of my car (which, believe me - was not a small task) i am back home at my apartment. it feels so good to be back. i mean, i loved seeing all my friends and family - but am i ever tired! it was fun being caught up in that whirlwind for a while, but i gotta get back to my routine.

needless to say, i have good news and bad news. the good news is that i made it to the gym 5 days in a row! and each time i didn't just do a lousy little 20 minutes of nothingness, i worked my butt off! in fact, even on christmas day my sister and i went to the y (which was open for holiday hours) and went for a run and a swim. i loved it! there usually isn't much to do on christmas other than eat and watch tv, but this was fun and gave us something to do together.

the bad news is, at some point during this holiday my resolve crumbled. it began christmas eve, and just continued. it was like a snowball effect. all week i was eating food i am not normally accustomed to eating and that someone else prepared. i did my best for the first 3 or 4 days to make my own snacks and lunches/dinners, and was in moderation mode for everything else. but i felt like i couldn't track (i mean, i tried but it was kind of useless) because i wasn't sure what was in some of the food (not that there was anything super funky, but i couldn't be sure what sort of ingredients were used). i was embarassed to ask people because i didn't want to feel like a nusiance. the real clincher happened when i left my favorite water bottle at someones house. i tried to keep drinking water, but i'm pretty sure i wasn't getting enough in.

everything was alright until i began to realize i was losing control. once i got to my sisters place on christmas eve, i just kept. eating. crap. this just basically continued until today.

it's really hard for me to write that because i wanted so so much to do well this holiday, to come out on the other side with pride and confidence in myself like kerry. i feel ashamed and disappointed in myself, annoyed and full of doubts. is this what happens when i can't eat my pre-programmed foods? when i can't control my environment to the umpteenth degree?

but then i heave a big sigh (like i have done at least three times in writing this) and allow myself to be human. bah. i know i feel like a failure, but i *did* follow what i laid out for myself. i packed my food, i made my meals, i went to the gym. i didn't hit every goal spot on, but i certainly tried. i can't imagine what this holiday would have been like if i hadn't tried. next time i will just have to plan harder, and learn to speak up for myself better. this time around i was much more vocal about the changes i have been making in my life (especially since people notice that i have lost weight, and have been asking me about it). that demonstrates a major change for me. up until this point, my weight loss has been a fairly private thing that i didn't really share with people. this time around i want people to know how hard i have worked and i want to inspire them to do the same.

i also tried to be more vocal to my friends about how i have to choose healthy choices everyday. this was probably one of the hardest parts of my holidays, because it became really evident to me that they really just don't understand. they want to support me, but they don't understand how much work it is for me to make healthy choices. for example, two of my girlfriends and i went for breakfast and i had to spend a good 10 minutes pouring over the menu trying to figure out what i could actually eat without feeling guilty. after a while, i muttered something about "i just want to order something healthy..." and one of them responded, "everything at this restaurant is healthy!"

now, sure, my choices at this restaurant were better than, say - pete's fryhouse and burger shack... but i'm pretty sure the nutella and banana crepes that i wanted to order that day would have blown all my pts! and this friend - this beautiful, slender, i-don't-even-own-a-scale friend... didn't understand the struggle that it was for me.

anyways, with all that being said, i haven't had an official weigh-in yet. i skipped saturday since i have a missed meeting coupon to use. i'm going to weigh in this saturday and see what happens. *bite nail* i peeked at the scale this morning and i was up to 198.2... hopefully being back home will help me get back in to the swing of things and shed those few extra holiday lbs.

worth remembering

in my bloggie travels today, i read something over at www.project365th.blogspot.com that i decided was worth remembering! and reposting ;)

"I love myself because I am more than my body, and that will never change. However, I know my own strength and I know what I want for my future and that means making different and sometimes difficult decisions, but it is worth it and that is what I truly deserve."

wow, challenging and inspiring words that i definitely needed to hear! sometimes it seems so easy for me to forget that i am so much more than this shell of cells, and that despite all the work i put into my health, in the end i am so much more. underneath i am who God created me to be, and all this losing-weight stuff is really about discovering exactly who that is. even though the decisions i have to make are hard and many times other people (including my own friends!) do not understand, i am giving myself what i need and deserve.

anyways, just thought i'd share. props to tiff and check out her blog sometime 'cuz it looks pretty stellar.

toodles!

merry christmas!

this christmas has been a little unorthodox for me :) last night my sister and i went to a church service and then ordered pizza and wings, came back to her place and watched "surrogates."

today we took it easy. got up early, ate bran flakes and ferreo roche for breakfast, and opened presents. it was just the two of us and it was kind of nice, just chilling out with nowhere to go and no one to see.

three of the gifts from my sister were pairs of running socks. she is a runner and sort of inspired me to get into it, and has been really supportive of my progress. for my last gift, she told me it was something she couldn't "give" to me - but had to "tell" to me. it turns out she registered the two of us for a 5k run in march! needless to say, i was SHOCKED and slightly terrified. lol. however, it is three months away and i am pretty stoked! in my heart of hearts, i really wanted to register to run a 5k, i just didn't have the guts to put myself under the wire. this race is actually a run/walk, so even if i am not able to run the whole thing come march, it won't be too bad. i am going to do everything i can to try, though! only a few months ago i never thought i'd be able to run at all...

how exciting, huh!? i am so excited!

after we exchanged presents her and i headed off to the gym. we ran a few laps on the track, then did 30 mins of running on the treadmill. after that we went swimming.

for "christmas dinner" we decided to have our favorite - pho. i decided i wanted to try vegetable pho this time, so i did... but it was rather disgusting. it had somekind of strange rehydrated mushrooms in it, slash the little corn-on-the-cobs from a can that i despise. after our pho we came home and we are about to watch a few more movies. good times.

tomorrow i am going out to lunch with two of my best buds, which should be fun. it's been a little hard for me seeing all my old friends this year, because more than ever i feel like things have truly "changed." people are starting relationships or getting engaged, graduating, getting jobs, moving away... i don't like the feeling of ungroundedness i get when i realize this... i feel like i'm losing an important part of my life, and people i love so very dearly. it is something i have had to proccess this holiday, and i still haven't done that 100%.

but i know life is impermanent and always changing... after all, i have changed too, which has been so evident in this journey i have embarked on. i just continue to pray that it is in ways that are positive and bring me closer to what really matters. christmas is such a wonderful time of year. i'm so thankful for a wonderful life, a wonderful Saviour, wonderful friends. it may not always be perfect, but times like this help me remember that each day is a gift and i am lucky to be here.

doin' it up!

so, after finishing my last exams (which were hellish, but i made it through)... i weighed in on saturday morning and was shocked to discover that i lost 1.6 lbs! after my week of exam food (canned soup and peanut butter pitas, basically), i only made it to the gym once... i spent most of the week reading for hours and snacking... but - i still lost! it feels good to know that sometimes there is a little bit of grace.

also, i had a great NSV this week. i started running shortly after i rejoined WW, around the first week of november. this past week i ran eight minutes! it felt great! such a victory, such an accomplishment... and i know this is only the beginning. running eight minutes (which is like 800% more than i could run at the beginning of this journey) means that sooner or later, as long as i keep going, i will be able to run 10, 15, 20, 40, and an hour! so exciting.

in other news, i'm visiting friends and family this week so i packed my little bag of food as per the holiday survival guide. (check) tomorrow i am going to go to a party, but i'm going to eat beforehand and limit the number of plates i will get. (check) in fact, i'm "bartending" mocktails for the night so that should keep me away from the food table well enough!

today was the first day of my "real" vacation, so (as per the plan - check!) i started the day by going to the gym. i got a little frustrated because i had planned to go for a run, but the treadmills they had at this location were flimsy and made me self-concious about the noise they made while i ran. i switched to an elliptical, but it just wasn't the same. i got bored after about 15 minutes. then i tried to do some weights, but they weren't the same as the weights at my gym, so i got frustrated even more. in the end i was there for about an hour as i hopped from machine to machine, but i left feeling annoyed.

this evening i went back for a yoga class, and i just got home. the yoga class was alright - i feel nice and stretched out now. it's been a while since i did any yoga. it used to be one of my fav activities. we did some awkward moves in this class today though that i have never done before! hilarious. additionally i happened to be sitting right next to a semi-good looking young guy, and at one point we were on our backs, extending both legs in opposite directions, and placing our hands on our inner thighs to "deepen the stretch." awk! but c'est la vie.

tonight i am going to take it easy. watch some gilmore girls, possibly make some chia pudding (my new addiction), and sleep. i love this life. ttyl!