willpower.

i did it, i did it... i resisted temptation.

i'm facing myself again in the light of exams. another year is fast approaching, and i remember last christmas like it was yesterday. i realize i do not want to be unhealthy another year. i want to know what it feels like to look in the mirror and be proud of where i have come from, to know i am truly myself in my own skin.

the positive part is i am about twenty pounds less than i was last christmas. i have made strides, and sometimes i forget to give myself credit. i am dreaming again, i am planning. even though i have been through hurdles, they never stop... and i have moved and pushed through, as best i could.

i have so much to be thankful for.

faced with the easy way out, in everything... life, school, food, weight... i am learning to be strong. i fail at it sometimes but it isn't worth giving up. i will be successful.

control

well, it has been more than a month now since i had a WI at WW. it started on thanksgiving. i decided to take a "break", just for the weekend, and things went downhill from there. now i've moved, made it through midterms, lost both the jobs i had, applied for a new job, and i've maintained the weight loss but wish i was down on the scale since a month and a half ago.

i feel out of control again. i'm lacking confidence, and i feel depressed about things. i've been turning to food alot for comfort, and now i'm finding it just doesn't have it. that is so hard to come to terms with because i really want it to. it offers escape so quickly but, so briefly. then i am faced with the same stress, pressure, and loneliness i had before. and i realize it wasn't worth it.

i am not someone who likes to be defined, but without a doubt i know i am an emotional eater. big time. i think that is the most significant obstacle to my weight loss. that and the fact i am a carb addict... but, i mean, those two things are pretty much best friends with matching keychains.

trying to motivate myself to start again is not easy. i want to go back to meetings, but it's difficult because now i'm in a strange new city and the meeting place is strange and new. last time it was the same one i've always been to since i was twelve years old. now i'm scared. that's the sad truth.

plus i don't even know what to eat anymore. i'm back in the mindset that i "need" certain foods like sugar, or bread. there is a nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me, "you can't do it." i really want to prove that voice wrong. i know i will, it's just a matter of when.

i think about my life and the promises i've made to myself. i don't want to be overweight at 24. i have allowed myself to be imprisoned by this for too long. i can't allow it any longer. i need to be 100% on board for this, because if i don't do it now i never will. i will have another year of wishing i was something i wasn't, of holding myself back from what i want to be. i can't allow that anymore.

that's enough motivation.

zee update

so this is week # 5, and things are going great! i am down a total of 8.4 lbs!

*and there was much rejoicing*

i'm not seeing it, really, although i am definitely feeling better and my confidence is up. i decided signing up for WW was definitely a step in the right direction and plunked down the money for 20 weeks in my last meeting. although i could almost hear the drain sound echoing from my bank account as i keyed in my pin #, i honestly think it is a good decision because the program is working for me and i really need to do something about my weight.

in other news, i am done working full-time and am back to school in only a few days. orientation was yesterday, i met some interesting new people and even others that i had seen last year but never met. they are all going on a retreat for the rest of the week, but i opted out because i'm taking some r&r before my life changes dramatically...

not only am i going back to school, but i'm gonna be moving in the next two months. i was already thinking of moving, and even looking at places, and some drama with my landlord a few days ago has solidified everything. definitely gonna be moving to toronto, which is a little scary in itself. i think i'm ready though.

so what else is going on...

for breakfast i had a egg and spinach scramble. i'm a little puzzled at the scale because usually by this point (half-way through the week) i've dropped at least a pound. strangely mine is reading that i've actually gained a pound. i've stayed within my points ranges and everything, no tom, so i'm thinking maybe it's been the fact that i've eaten quite a bit of junk food and coffee recently, so i'm probably retaining water. perhaps i shall pick up some asparagus from the grocery store later.

stress eating

this week i've realized a few interesting things. interesting and important things.

first of all, i have to eat consistently. this is now my third week on WW, and so i'm getting into the swing of things. it's exciting because i am learning about my body. an apparent biggie is that i have to eat, like, all the time. it's like clockwork. i can track it. approximately every 2.5 - 3 hours, i start getting the hunger pangs. 4 hours and i'm ready to devour anything.

also, i really, really do use food as an emotional crutch. last week i had two headaches (unheard of for me), which i - dumbfounded - decided had to be related to all the stress i was under with school/work/finding a place to live. while i think it was the stress, i had a revelation this week that it is more than likely directly related to the fact that i normally cope with that stress by eating. now that i can't do that, my body is confused! i'm forced to feel and engage and not bury things with heaps of carbs and salt and sugar. what a pity. and so, folks, this is what withdrawl from a food addiction feels like.

it sucks. every night i get so uncomfortable because i'm hungry. my mouth actually starts to salivate at the thought of cereal. who could've guessed.

i suppose this is encouraging because it means i'm dippin' into fat stores, and this whole thing is working. and in fact, it is. i peeked at the scale the other morning and it read 211! it's there, guys and gals... right in my grasp. i'm so motivated to get to "onederland" - i'm tellin' ya, nothing is gonna stop me.

not even an indian wedding on friday night. gah. indian food. what else could be more comforting? i love it and it is definitely going to be challenging to draw the line. i will have to remember what happened today though. that will help me keep my eyes tame enough for my stomach...

yes... today i went to subway and i was absolutely starving. i definitely didn't eat enough for breakfast or lunch (they were about 7 pts combined) and it was 3 oclock. this was way over my 2.5 - 3 hour time frame and my body was screamin'. needless to say, i went in to subway and basically ordered the whole store. i got a footlong grilled chicken sub, soup, chips, and a cookie. plus an iced tea. it was glorious, it was wonderful. finally, i was full. there was still about 1/4 of the sub left, as well as half the soup, but i was full and feelin' good.

until we hit the mall. then i wasn't feelin' so hot. then i got a stomach cramp and could hardly walk. then, i began to feel sick. this was not going to be a day of pulling favors for highly suspect grilled chicken subs.

let's just say the rest is not such a nice story.

... and it's working ...

sorry this update is a bit late...

saturday was my first weigh-in.

i lost 3.2 lbs. yipee!

the weigh-in lady made a comment about me being brave by wearing jeans. i was headed to work straight after, so i didn't really have a choice.

this week had some hard times but i think i have overall stayed OP. despite a few binges (somewhere along the way i became a binge eater...) and party-food get togethers i have stuck to my guns. i'm learning where to draw the line. i can feel my body following suit. i'm not having the same cravings anymore. i'm becoming satisfied with what i have to eat... whereas last week was hell at times. i really missed junky food and felt deprived. but sticking it out is paying off.

becoming reconnected with my body is slightly strange. i find my focus is shifting now that i am losing weight, and i'm cutting myself some slack. i'm not perfect, but i could certainly be worse off. i'm so happy i'm doing what i can to be the best i can be.

this next week is gonna be hard. my best friend is going back to school in the states tomorrow, so we're not gonna be able to hang out til she comes back at christmas. i have the opportunity to move too, and i think i'm going to take it. school starts in less than two weeks. work gets nixed in half. financially, emotionally, physically... i need to be ready for the changes ahead. eek.

yeehaw

WW Taco Soup Recipe

2 cans fat free chicken broth
1 can diced ortega chiles
1 can each: red, black, pinto beans
1 can fat free chili
1 can mexican style crushed tomatoes
2 Tbsp taco seasoning
veggies to taste
simmer for 30 minutes

1 cup = 1 pt

will definitely have to try this...

blugh.

so i woke up this morning with the most craptacular feeling in my stomach, most likely caused by the east side marios munchathon i partook in last night.

so i went to church, went to the bank, dropped off my resume for a new job, picked something up and went to the mall... all without eating breakfast which i normally never do. i figured that might give my stomach a chance to settle and apparently it worked, because the feeling of nastiness has passed.

about five minutes ago i arrived home. ravenously, i completely devoured a peach and two bowls of cereal. it was the best cereal of my life though.

i would also like to say... even though this is only my third official day OP, i am really noticing a difference in the way i feel. i could use a little more energy, but on the whole i find my mood is way more balanced (must be the lack of sugar crashes) and i do have more energy. i feel cleaner and healthier. overall, my body feels more nourished. it's kind of neat.

travelling pants

so today presented it's first obstacle to being OP... celebrating my friends birthday at the local east side marios. i went in confident... and despite eating more than i should have, i definitely didn't eat as much as i would have on any normal outing!

i used my remaining 9 pts for the day, and 21 flex pts. i'm not worried because i know that's what they are there for. it was quite glorious actually. afterwards we went to see the sisterhood of the travelling pants part deux. it was really good! and i couldn't help but think of how much i like the look/style of alexa bledel in the movie...

aside from the fact that she is a stick and i'm, well, not - the style and look of her character in the movie is the same as mine and i might even venture we look a little bit alike. it's exciting because it makes me wonder what i will look like when i have finally lost this extra weight.

other than that - first meeting today. the leader seems really nice and supportive. i'm geared up for the next few weeks to reach my 10% goal.

two things were brought again into light tonight. one being the fact that i have gorgeous friends, who get a lot of male attention. i don't know what it is, but i always seem to notice this. when we walk into a restaurant or a mall, i always seem to catch guys checking them out. fatefully, i am always ignored. it's sounds petty but this really bothers me. i don't want to be the "fat friend" anymore. i'm tired of going unnoticed.

also, i'm discovering how truly obsessed with food i am. i've contemplated jotting down every time i think of food during a given day. it would probably be 25 - 30 times. i think i am noticing it more now because i have to shut myself down, whereas normally i would give in. giving in means a window of distraction for a few hours - that is, no thoughts of food. today i sat down to watch tv and must have thought about getting up to get a snack about 5 or 6 times. it was ridiculous! this illumination has provoked me to integrate a rehabilitation from "food obsession" into my short-term goals. i think this will go hand in hand with not turning to food for comfort, emotional or physical, and not eating from boredom.

more adventures to come.

first day op

so today was my first official day...

didn't go that badly! i stayed within my points range. also, my room mate found my ww paraphenalia and tuned in to the new revolution. good stuff.

it excites me to know i am making changes in my life. for so long i felt powerless about my weight. i've done nothing, but now i feel like i can do it. if all i have to do is stick to ww, then i can do that.

it's really exciting for me to think about what i will look like in a month, three months, six months or a year. what changes will occur in my body? what about in my spirit?

i feel like this is a total life transformation. i'm becoming more of who i want to be.


work is still work. school weighs down on me. but when it comes to doing something about my weight, at least i am headed in the right direction.

the fridge is full of lots of yumminess.

* peaches
* plums
* whole wheat bread and ww tortillas
* eggs
* milk
* 7 reasons cereal
* lettuce
* blueberries
* cantaloupe
* green beens
* potatoes
* stir fry pork
* brown rice
* roast chicken

this week i am committing to not turn to food for comfort...

goals

yesterday i was reading someone elses blog, and they reminded me of how many years i have waited to lose weight. i realized how sorry and defeated i have felt for myself, never doing anything about it. i've wallowed and pitied myself, and comforted myself with food, but i've always used that as an excuse to wallow a little more, a little longer, denying myself the chance to have what i really want.

so what is it i really want? i want to be able to feel good about how i look, to be healthy, to find out what the weight is holding back. i wanna strip away the reasons i punish myself by staying the way i am. i want to prove everyone wrong.

it's my choice and my journey.

today i'm praying for strength.

exposure

a few months ago i had this dream.

in my dream, i was somehow teleported back in time to when i was eighteen. it was some mistake of the space-time continuum.

for a long time i just chilled out in 2005. i went to places i was familiar with, thinking perhaps somehow i would find the key to get me back to where i really belonged.

since i kept going to familiar places and seeing familiar things, the whole time i was overwhelmed by this pervasive fear of coming face to face with myself. that is, the person i used to be. i kept seeing myself at my old hotspots, dressed in my old clothes and weighing my old weight. everytime i saw myself i had to hide my face and i would skulk around so that i wouldn't be seen. coming face to face with the old me was so scary that i could actually feel it in the pit of my stomach. you know, that achy fear. i was terrified.

part of me feels that same kind of fear beginning this journey.

who knows what will be unconvered underneath this weight?

will i like what i see after all of it is gone?

and what if i don't?

me: uncovered

random tidbits about me:

i love...

peanut butter.
my sister.
music.
sleep.
movies you get lost in.
painting my nails funky colours.
sandy lakes.
good talks with friends.
coffee. i fell in love with it only to be told i can't drink it anymore by the doc :( what a sad thing indeed!
funky sunglasses.
toronto.
learning new things.
travelling.
people. when they don't annoy the crap out of me.


sometimes i think...

i will fail.
i will be a fabulous success.
my family is so weird.
i could change the world.


i cry when...

i feel lost in life.
i feel like i lost a friend.
i remember how things once were.
i feel powerless to change.
someone i love is hurting.
i wish that things were different.