Thursday, January 7, 2010

i'll huff 'n puff 'n blow your effing house down

today was another unexciting day. i started it off with a bowl of shreddies and an apple, and then hopped off to the gym. after 15 mins on the elliptical, i did a 25 min run/walk. got home feelin' good and took the dog out for a pee.

i don't think i have blogged about this yet, but to my complete and utter surprise my sister registered me for a 5k run as one of my christmas gifts. needless to say, on christmas morn' she told me the news and i was overcome with terror, anxiety, excitment and joy. this is something i so deeply want to do for myself. in fact, i was already looking into it, but had managed to talk myself out of doing it in the near future. bah, what is family for?

the race is in march, which is only a couple short months away. this is really forcing me to take running seriously. up until now, i have been loosely following the couch to 5k plan, but more or less on my own terms. the longest i have run has been 8 1/2 minutes. unfortunately, that's just not gonna cut it for the race. i want to be able to run all of it. and if that's too lofty a goal, i want to do my very best trying.

something that has been sort of looming over my head is a comment my dad made the other day when i told him about the race. i mentioned that my sister and i were doing it together and one of the only things he said was, "well, you'll certainly be huffing and puffing... (insert chuckle here)"

my heart dropped when he said that. i actually wanted to punch him in the face. i couldn't believe that he didn't have one word of encouragment for me. instead, he decided to make an assumption. yeah, my sister weighs less than i do. yeah, she has been running longer than i have. you may think you're funny, but obviously you are just saying that because you think i am too fat to run. well, @#!* you.

what he said cut me somewhere deep. his words were like the voices of failure i allowed myself to accept over the years just because i was too "fat."

for so much of my life i allowed myself to be second best, to sit in the shadows, and to believe those voices that said i was not enough. i believed the words of shame, fear and uncertainty.

if i still listened to those voices, i wouldn't run - because fat girls don't run.

but i've changed.
it's terrifying and exhilarating.
i push myself harder - and damnit

i change.

i don't hear my doubts as loudly.

i outrun my fears.

i will run this race to prove those voices, and my old self, wrong.

that being said, i leave you with the lyrics to one of my new fav workout songs which continues to motivate me to runnnn run run! "check yes juliet" by we the kings;

lace up your shoes
here's how we do
run baby run
don't ever look back
they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance
don't sell your heart
don't say we're not meant to be
run baby run
forever will be
You and me

anyways, hope you had a great thursday. toodles!


Tiff said...

Listen here you:

YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS! You are going to do this not just to prove anyone wrong (and you will) but for yourself! Don't let anyone else's ideas or expectations lock you in for life into some imaginary idealogical prison of "I can't run." You can. I can't wait till the day in March that you post a pic of you and your sister finishing that race and no one will ever be able to take that away from you!

adorkable said...

thank you for the encouragment tiff. this is such an emotional thing for me. deep down i know i'm gonna do it. i've put my mind to it, so gosh darned'it, even it it kills me i'm gonna do it. thanks for being there to back me up. you rock my socks.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

Hi, I just found your blog at Tiff's. Sometimes people just don't know how hurtful their comments are. I'm glad to see that you are using that comment as motivation. The upside to anger is sometimes it gets us moving in the right direction.

All the best with your race.