crazy shopping times!

yesterday my sister, my mom and i decided to take a little trip to buffalo and do some cross-border shopping (yes, my american friends - we heart you and your kewl stuff). anyhoo, needless to say i went a little over my budget... *bite nail*... but i got some amazing stuff that i am really excited about! most of it is clothes, but i also got some makeup and jewlery.

i laid out a good portion of the stuff on my bed;


a pashmina, some tshirts (they were $4), that plaid thing you see buried is a dress i got for $2! i spent quite a bit on purses. needless to say i have been using the same purse since may, even though the zipper is broken. i love big purses. i stuff 4974755.4 things in them, and haul them around like santa claus with a big bag 'o toys. yes, that woman in the mall who huffs, grunts, and accidentally slams people with her enormous bag is me. bahahah.

this is a closeup of the stuff i'm reeeally excited about. the coach wristlets were $23! and the makeup is my favorite stuff!

weeeeeeeee! now, i bought a ton of clothes from target because they are cheap and awesome. i bought 2 dresses in particular that i think are grand, and i think i am going to wear one tonight. a friend of mine invited me to go to an informal concert/mingle thing. sooo which one do you think i should wear?!

this one... i love the flowers!

or this one? i'd wear both with a black cardigan 'cause maaaaaaan it's cold these days! last night driving back home from the states my mom and my sister didn't stop complaining in the car about how i was blasting the heat! i loooove my heat. lol.

anyhoo friends, happy new years to you all! have a great one and spend it with those you love!

goodbye 2009

wow, i really can't believe this year is almost over.

this time last year? man, i can't even remember what was going on. i was really depressed in november, but christmas was a momentary escape from the humdrum of life. i was so unhappy. thank goodness that has changed! i'm so glad that life is fluid and adaptable, and even though sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a rut there is always the opportunity to commence total life renovation.

this year i have accomplished so much. i started a job that i thought i would hate, but instead have truly grown to love. i've lost 15 lbs. i started running. i made friends with people who are (now) some of the most influencial people in my life. i made major decisions about staying in school instead of travelling the world. i saved money. i learned a lot.

looking back, i want to be able to say there was a defining moment. but really, this past year has looked like a lot of other years in my life; a gradual unfolding of strength, character, and self-discovery. i continue to slowly but surely aspire to become someone better, someone more merciful, forgiving, loving, and faithful. i don't live a glamorous rockstar life, but God has given me so much to be thankful for this past year, and so much to look forward to in the next.

christmas pics!

here are some pictures from my christmas shenanigans!

the mocktail bartendress! always a hit at parties :)

enchiladas with dear friends!

they unfortunately made me sick though..

(the enchiladas, that is... heh)

notice my trusty water bottle!

singalong times!

and me in the post-christmas chaos!

home

after days of travelling around, hauling my stuff in and out of my car (which, believe me - was not a small task) i am back home at my apartment. it feels so good to be back. i mean, i loved seeing all my friends and family - but am i ever tired! it was fun being caught up in that whirlwind for a while, but i gotta get back to my routine.

needless to say, i have good news and bad news. the good news is that i made it to the gym 5 days in a row! and each time i didn't just do a lousy little 20 minutes of nothingness, i worked my butt off! in fact, even on christmas day my sister and i went to the y (which was open for holiday hours) and went for a run and a swim. i loved it! there usually isn't much to do on christmas other than eat and watch tv, but this was fun and gave us something to do together.

the bad news is, at some point during this holiday my resolve crumbled. it began christmas eve, and just continued. it was like a snowball effect. all week i was eating food i am not normally accustomed to eating and that someone else prepared. i did my best for the first 3 or 4 days to make my own snacks and lunches/dinners, and was in moderation mode for everything else. but i felt like i couldn't track (i mean, i tried but it was kind of useless) because i wasn't sure what was in some of the food (not that there was anything super funky, but i couldn't be sure what sort of ingredients were used). i was embarassed to ask people because i didn't want to feel like a nusiance. the real clincher happened when i left my favorite water bottle at someones house. i tried to keep drinking water, but i'm pretty sure i wasn't getting enough in.

everything was alright until i began to realize i was losing control. once i got to my sisters place on christmas eve, i just kept. eating. crap. this just basically continued until today.

it's really hard for me to write that because i wanted so so much to do well this holiday, to come out on the other side with pride and confidence in myself like kerry. i feel ashamed and disappointed in myself, annoyed and full of doubts. is this what happens when i can't eat my pre-programmed foods? when i can't control my environment to the umpteenth degree?

but then i heave a big sigh (like i have done at least three times in writing this) and allow myself to be human. bah. i know i feel like a failure, but i *did* follow what i laid out for myself. i packed my food, i made my meals, i went to the gym. i didn't hit every goal spot on, but i certainly tried. i can't imagine what this holiday would have been like if i hadn't tried. next time i will just have to plan harder, and learn to speak up for myself better. this time around i was much more vocal about the changes i have been making in my life (especially since people notice that i have lost weight, and have been asking me about it). that demonstrates a major change for me. up until this point, my weight loss has been a fairly private thing that i didn't really share with people. this time around i want people to know how hard i have worked and i want to inspire them to do the same.

i also tried to be more vocal to my friends about how i have to choose healthy choices everyday. this was probably one of the hardest parts of my holidays, because it became really evident to me that they really just don't understand. they want to support me, but they don't understand how much work it is for me to make healthy choices. for example, two of my girlfriends and i went for breakfast and i had to spend a good 10 minutes pouring over the menu trying to figure out what i could actually eat without feeling guilty. after a while, i muttered something about "i just want to order something healthy..." and one of them responded, "everything at this restaurant is healthy!"

now, sure, my choices at this restaurant were better than, say - pete's fryhouse and burger shack... but i'm pretty sure the nutella and banana crepes that i wanted to order that day would have blown all my pts! and this friend - this beautiful, slender, i-don't-even-own-a-scale friend... didn't understand the struggle that it was for me.

anyways, with all that being said, i haven't had an official weigh-in yet. i skipped saturday since i have a missed meeting coupon to use. i'm going to weigh in this saturday and see what happens. *bite nail* i peeked at the scale this morning and i was up to 198.2... hopefully being back home will help me get back in to the swing of things and shed those few extra holiday lbs.

worth remembering

in my bloggie travels today, i read something over at www.project365th.blogspot.com that i decided was worth remembering! and reposting ;)

"I love myself because I am more than my body, and that will never change. However, I know my own strength and I know what I want for my future and that means making different and sometimes difficult decisions, but it is worth it and that is what I truly deserve."

wow, challenging and inspiring words that i definitely needed to hear! sometimes it seems so easy for me to forget that i am so much more than this shell of cells, and that despite all the work i put into my health, in the end i am so much more. underneath i am who God created me to be, and all this losing-weight stuff is really about discovering exactly who that is. even though the decisions i have to make are hard and many times other people (including my own friends!) do not understand, i am giving myself what i need and deserve.

anyways, just thought i'd share. props to tiff and check out her blog sometime 'cuz it looks pretty stellar.

toodles!

merry christmas!

this christmas has been a little unorthodox for me :) last night my sister and i went to a church service and then ordered pizza and wings, came back to her place and watched "surrogates."

today we took it easy. got up early, ate bran flakes and ferreo roche for breakfast, and opened presents. it was just the two of us and it was kind of nice, just chilling out with nowhere to go and no one to see.

three of the gifts from my sister were pairs of running socks. she is a runner and sort of inspired me to get into it, and has been really supportive of my progress. for my last gift, she told me it was something she couldn't "give" to me - but had to "tell" to me. it turns out she registered the two of us for a 5k run in march! needless to say, i was SHOCKED and slightly terrified. lol. however, it is three months away and i am pretty stoked! in my heart of hearts, i really wanted to register to run a 5k, i just didn't have the guts to put myself under the wire. this race is actually a run/walk, so even if i am not able to run the whole thing come march, it won't be too bad. i am going to do everything i can to try, though! only a few months ago i never thought i'd be able to run at all...

how exciting, huh!? i am so excited!

after we exchanged presents her and i headed off to the gym. we ran a few laps on the track, then did 30 mins of running on the treadmill. after that we went swimming.

for "christmas dinner" we decided to have our favorite - pho. i decided i wanted to try vegetable pho this time, so i did... but it was rather disgusting. it had somekind of strange rehydrated mushrooms in it, slash the little corn-on-the-cobs from a can that i despise. after our pho we came home and we are about to watch a few more movies. good times.

tomorrow i am going out to lunch with two of my best buds, which should be fun. it's been a little hard for me seeing all my old friends this year, because more than ever i feel like things have truly "changed." people are starting relationships or getting engaged, graduating, getting jobs, moving away... i don't like the feeling of ungroundedness i get when i realize this... i feel like i'm losing an important part of my life, and people i love so very dearly. it is something i have had to proccess this holiday, and i still haven't done that 100%.

but i know life is impermanent and always changing... after all, i have changed too, which has been so evident in this journey i have embarked on. i just continue to pray that it is in ways that are positive and bring me closer to what really matters. christmas is such a wonderful time of year. i'm so thankful for a wonderful life, a wonderful Saviour, wonderful friends. it may not always be perfect, but times like this help me remember that each day is a gift and i am lucky to be here.

doin' it up!

so, after finishing my last exams (which were hellish, but i made it through)... i weighed in on saturday morning and was shocked to discover that i lost 1.6 lbs! after my week of exam food (canned soup and peanut butter pitas, basically), i only made it to the gym once... i spent most of the week reading for hours and snacking... but - i still lost! it feels good to know that sometimes there is a little bit of grace.

also, i had a great NSV this week. i started running shortly after i rejoined WW, around the first week of november. this past week i ran eight minutes! it felt great! such a victory, such an accomplishment... and i know this is only the beginning. running eight minutes (which is like 800% more than i could run at the beginning of this journey) means that sooner or later, as long as i keep going, i will be able to run 10, 15, 20, 40, and an hour! so exciting.

in other news, i'm visiting friends and family this week so i packed my little bag of food as per the holiday survival guide. (check) tomorrow i am going to go to a party, but i'm going to eat beforehand and limit the number of plates i will get. (check) in fact, i'm "bartending" mocktails for the night so that should keep me away from the food table well enough!

today was the first day of my "real" vacation, so (as per the plan - check!) i started the day by going to the gym. i got a little frustrated because i had planned to go for a run, but the treadmills they had at this location were flimsy and made me self-concious about the noise they made while i ran. i switched to an elliptical, but it just wasn't the same. i got bored after about 15 minutes. then i tried to do some weights, but they weren't the same as the weights at my gym, so i got frustrated even more. in the end i was there for about an hour as i hopped from machine to machine, but i left feeling annoyed.

this evening i went back for a yoga class, and i just got home. the yoga class was alright - i feel nice and stretched out now. it's been a while since i did any yoga. it used to be one of my fav activities. we did some awkward moves in this class today though that i have never done before! hilarious. additionally i happened to be sitting right next to a semi-good looking young guy, and at one point we were on our backs, extending both legs in opposite directions, and placing our hands on our inner thighs to "deepen the stretch." awk! but c'est la vie.

tonight i am going to take it easy. watch some gilmore girls, possibly make some chia pudding (my new addiction), and sleep. i love this life. ttyl!

my resolve

so with the holidays around the corner, i am thinking more and more about how i am going to navigate all the temptations of this festive season. i keep running into people who are asking me how i am planning to do it... and more and more i keep hearing that it is perfectly okay to "just maintain."

part of the reason why i joined weight watchers at the end of october was because i knew that if i didn't join then, i wouldn't join until after christmas. i am happy to say that i have lost over seven lbs since then, and i know that i wouldn't have lost that weight if i had not followed my heart. joining ww this time was about making no excuses, doing what i need to do for me
and exerting control over the things that i do indeed have control over. so many times in life i become overwhelmed by what i can not control, but my health is something that is totally and completely up to me. no one else can do the work or make the right decisions for me.

that being said, i have made a few resolutions for myself. keeping these resolutions is how i plan to make it through the holidays and STILL LOSE. that's right folks - i said it! i will still lose in the next two weeks, because i am focused on my goal. i am not going to spend another year unhappy with my weight. the holidays represent the challenges i face in my environment, and i know that conquering them will represent my resilience and resolve to stick this out no matter what challenges i may come across. this is my time.

now, for the game plan.

1. i am going out of town for a week and will be staying at my friends place. while i am there i will:

- pack my own food to make my own meals and snacks, since their family doesn't eat like i do.
- track everything i eat, even if i slip off the bandwagon.
- bring my water bottle and crystal light, and make sure to drink 8 glasses of water a day.
- go to the gym EVERY DAY i possibly can.

2. i will be hosting and going to holiday parties. at these parties i will:

- eat before i leave.
- have a drink, but only allow myself to get a plate from the snack table once.
- track EVERYTHING.
- only go to the parties i truly want to go to.


this holiday i want to give more than receive. i don't want this to be another holiday where i feel as though i'm grabbing for people, gifts, attention, food, time. i want to give my love, advice, gifts, appreciation, and time to the people in my life. and part of that giving is giving myself what i need. i've spent months being so busy i can hardly think, so the next two weeks off are my time to refresh, renew, and revitalize myself. i want to take care of myself, and i am doing that by eating properly and looking after my body and not spreading myself thin like i have done every other year.

i will do what i set out to do. i will succeed.

my first saturday of laziness...

it has been quite a while.

once upon a time, saturday's meant pure, unadulterated laziness. unshowered, unscheduled, unimportant days of laissez-faire internet surfing, hulu watching and random tasks that didn't fit in anywhere else. that all changed approximately four or five weeks ago, when my life became a crazy haze of omgihavesomuchworktodo.

today has been slightly reminescent of those days. i am currently sitting on my bed in the same clothes i woke up in, catching up on the blogroll and making plans to eat leftovers for lunch and write emails. i love the sun pouring in through my window over the clouds of my big, white duvet. i'm so comfy cozy. i love this feeling.

i'm also feelin' pretty happy because today was weigh-in, and i lost 1.4 this week! honestly, i couldn't be happier with that number! i feel so encouraged that the choices i'm making are paying off on the scale...

i was a little worried last night because i went and saw the sound of music. the show was fabulous, but afterwards we stopped for dinner at a chic little italian place. i knew it was late and i didn't want to get anything heavy, plus i used up ALL my flexpoints earlier in the week, so i knew i had almost nothing to work with. i ordered a small thin-crust pizza on a multigrain crust with brie and mushrooms, and a side salad. i only ate half the pizza (the rest is for lunch!) and while the side salad had a lot of oil on it (should have asked for the dressing on the side, oh well) i didn't think the choice i made was that bad. it was a very enjoyable, wholesome meal (as compared to something like chicken fingers and fries!)


hope your week is going well.

i can breathe again

well, yesterday i handed in my final paper of the semester! finally i can breathe slash think slash appreciate being alive for a moment or two. the last few nights have been pretty insane... needless to say i have been burnin' the midnight oil...

but now all the major stuff is done, and all is left is exams :) i spent last night in my bed watching the biggest loser finale and being awestruck at how those guys lost sooo much weight in just five months. so amazing!

i also made a few changes to this layout. i'm becoming quite obsessed with bloggieland! i've found some great blogs that are really interesting and inspiring. i love knowing there are other people in the world struggling with the same challenges i am, each day, every day... the "boring" struggles of choosing to make healthy food choices, go to the gym, and chug that gosh-darned water. i love that someone out there truly does understand!

hopefully blogging becomes a more regular activity for me, since there is something i love about sharing my life with others and maybe inspiring them a little...

ahem. on that note, today was a great day. i started bright and early with some steel cut oats with pumpkin, brown sugar and some yogurt:

after that i took a trek to the gym with a friend. i did half an hour on the elliptical and 15 minutes of running. fyi, i have been running every week! I LOVE IT! it's amazing to be able to track my progress and really feel the improvement. when i first started at the beginning of november, i could barely run one minute. now i am running intervals of 3 and 5 minutes! i get such a great sense of satisfaction from seeing myself getting stronger and healthier...

after the gym i met some friends for a sushi feast. unfortunately, i didn't take pictures... but it was fantastic. i basically obliterated my daily points, but i have some flex and worked out today, so i'm pretty sure everything will balance out fine.


i am really excited because i am going to see the sound of music tomorrow!

my sister and i bought my mom tickets for her birthday, so we're gonna have a little mother/daughter time. i'm going to try and save some of my flex points because she wants to go out to dinner first. hopefully we don't go to somekind of expensive italian place, or somewhere where i will have no idea what to order. i tried to google some places around the theatre yesterday, to no avail. i figure i will just eat before i leave (so i'm not that hungry) and wing it once we are there.

it's times when i reflect on stuff like this that i can't imagine being on a diet that restricted certain foods. i feel like i already "restrict" myself so much, but heck - i can eat anything i want! it would be 120x harder if i couldn't eat oil or carbs or dairy. i'm thankful that what i'm doing is working for me and it's something that i can live with. sure, sometimes i get scared about how i am going to manuever christmas get-togethers or restaurant dinners. but i always know i can figure out a way to count it up and move on...

anyways that's about all for today. the rest of the night will be spent making christmas lists and a plan for shopping tomorrow!

toodles!

weigh-in

i'm just about to start on my fourth and final essay, but i wanted to do a post re: weigh-in today. i'm happy to report i'm down 1.4! yay! i had a really good week this week... ate a lot of veggies, drank a lot of water... i'm in a season right now where i'm not craving junk, i'm just happy eating my pitas, hummus, crudites, soups, smoked salmon, frozen yogurt, and the rest of my staples. i'm absolutely obsessed with hummus right now, i've gone through 3 packages in the past week... i also bought two cans of chickpeas so i can make it in the bullet. i'm going to try and replicate a "veggie" flavoured hummus i tried this week... it was SOOOO good! i think they had some spinach in there...

another REALLY exciting update is that i weighed in at 199.8 last week - putting me in ONEDERLAND!

i have been yearning to see those little numbers written in my ww book for soooooo long! this really is a huge accomplishment for me, and i was so happy to share it with my meeting this morning... (last week i had to weigh in at another location because i was out of town)

a blurb about onederland will follow soon, because i have a lot to say about it :)
but that will have to wait until a little later, at least until i'm done a liiiiiiiiittle more of this essay...

i do want to still want to talk about a few things though.

first of all, last night i went to my first christmas potluck of the season. i had a lot of flexpoints left and so i ate what was there... and i ate quite a bit of stuff i haven't been eating because a.) it's too expensive and b.) i don't keep that stuff in my house. they had cheese fondue, chocolate fondue, cheese and artichoke dip, veggies, casseroles... the works! i ate what i wanted and had a little bit of dessert... but you know what? i was SHOCKED when the night was done and i felt soooooo sick! i probably ate 1/3 of what i normally would... and i was SO full. this made some of the changes i have made in my life really hit home...

i also realized that this was just the first of many of these little parties. for this one i had a lot of points left so i could eat most of the food that was there... but if i have three or four of these little shindigs a week, i'm going to need to plan. i can't tell myself it's "okay" to indulge just because it's a party, or because everyone else is eating, or because it's christmas and i'll get back on track tomorrow. part of the reason why i signed up for WW in november was because i knew that if i didn't take control, i would be another six months down the road, regretting my choices and wishing things had gone differently. i have made the decision to be PROACTIVE and lose the weight i need to lose, holiday or no holiday!

so i'm gonna post my holiday survival goals in a post soon as well.

anyways, i gotta get back to work. i will post some food pics later... i am literally eating out of a bag these days, i just keep packing my lunch to go here, there, and everywhere! today's breakfast was pumpkin pie oatmeal, lunch was sausage and veggie soup with a piece of crustless spinach and cheese quiche, and who knows about dinner... all i can think about is getting my essay finished...


toodles!

extra, extra!

well, i was home all day and decided it was about time i pulled out the package of shirataki-like noodles i bought from the organic store the other day. i'll admit i was a little bit suspicious about the whole idea of noodles made of tofu, soaked in water... (sketchy) but i was really excited about trying this hyped up speghetti noodle with 0 (yes, you read that right!) points a serving!



needless to say, i was prepared for the worst. i decided the best way to tackle them was to stirfry up some fresh veggies; broccoli, onion, and mushroom. i added a low-sodium soy sauce and a teaspoon of sesame oil.

the result? well i'm pleased to say that i loved them! they are definitely more of an asian tasting noodle - they reminded me of mr. noodles or top ramen, or just the vermicelli i get whenever i go and eat vietnamese! i was really pleased at how it turned out!


another new food i tried out today (i swear, i'm obsessed!) is the simply bar in chocolate raspberry! honestly, when i first saw this thing - i was totally turned off. but since i got it for free, i have been saving it since july for a point when i was desperate for some protein (there is 16 grams in each bar). well, i was starving before my oatmeal breakfast this morning so i opened the wrapper and took a bite.

... WOW!



all i can say is that was it ever tasty! and it is only 2 pts!

more updates tomorrow. i'm pooped!