ramblings

i woke up with a sore throat this morning and the incessant urge to sneeze. i feel completely drained, but i don't know if that is because of the lack of sleep due to bachelorette/birthday partyness that has gone on this weekend mixed with the time change, or because i'm legitimately "sick" with a cold.

therefore, i sit here writing this blog post rockin' the i-don't-care-what-i-look-like-right-now-because-it-took-all-the-energy-i-had-just-to-shower look. i'm gearing up to start a marathon of homework, so the look works.

down to bizznass. first, weigh-in!

saturday morning, (i just sneezed fyi) i weighed in at 191.0 at WW which brings me back to my pre-florida/binge weight. i'm super excited because next week i could weigh-in in the 180's! *squeals of excitment*

i did want to tell you all a little bit about florida! it was a really nice trip that i spent with my mom and sister. at first, i wasn't sure how it was going to be spending so much time together, because i don't spend a lot of prolonged time with my family. however, we stayed at a resort in kissimee and spent our time shopping, swimming, at the spa, or doing other equally kewl things and all in all, it went pretty great! on wednesday i had the whole day to myself while my sister and mom went to disney, and that was sooo good. i'm not sure i would have made it through the trip without that day - i'm definitely one of those people that needs alone time to recharge.

the best part of the trip was the kayaking tour we took the day before we left. it was a night tour where we saw the sunset, and then got to go and search for some bioluminescent jellyfish! awesome fun!

our tourguide

a shot from my kayak

one of the not-so-great things that did happen on the trip was that i had a little meltdown at the grocery store when we went to go and get food. i had been sharing with my mom earlier that day about how hard it had been for me the past few weeks since my test, and how i was really struggling with food choices. she sympathized with me and seemed to understand. however, when we got to the grocery store that night, we split up. while i picked up a few healthy things, she piled the cart full of junk foods.

this stirred up some serious emotions in me. it brought me back to when i was first trying to lose weight at 285 lbs (when we still lived together) and she would always complain that my cooking was too healthy and that she didn't like it. she'd buy tons of junk food, put it in our cupboards and tell me to "just not eat it."

and this is the part of the story where i make a rant.

i hate it when people say, "well, i'll buy this and you just don't eat any!"

HA!

listen here, all you skinny people that think losing weight is just that easy.

listen here all you cold, unfeeling family members.

i hate it when you idiots say that to me! obviously i want to eat what you're buying. i'm not not buying it because i don't not want to eat it, you DINKOS. i want it just as much as you do!

the only thing that keeps me from buying that double chocolate brownie fudge batter ice cream is SHEER POWER OF WILL! and really, at some point (let's be realistic here) that is gonna wear off. so don't tell me to just "not eat it."

that's not gonna happen.

anyways! in other news... one of my favorite things in the world right now is my own green goddessish dressing. last week, i made a tomato/coconut shrimp recipe (SOOO GOOD) which called for fresh cilantro. the bunch i got from the store was soo big that i had tons of it leftover. to use it up, i decided i'd whip up a little salad dressing with some other things i had on hand, and it worked out fantastic! here's the "recipe" :)

quick and creamy cilantro dressing

• handful of fresh cilantro
  
• 1 tablespoon hellman's light mayo
  
• 3ish tbsps water
  
• salt
  
• clove of garlic
  
• 1 tsp. onion powder
  

whip the ingredients in the magic bullet until smooth. yields approx a 1/4 cup of yummy green dressing!

honestly, this stuff rocks my world.

hope you all had a good weekend!

tgif

when i stepped on the scale this morning, something amazing happened.

i stepped on, and was incredibly startled to see 190.0

i had to weigh myself twice just to double-check that i wasn't imagining things.

this - my friends - is completely unchartered ground. i mean, it's been unchartered for a while - but being on the brink of the 180's?! i feel a whole new sense of motivation to push forward.

just had to get that out of the way :)

this week i haven't been on track 100% with food, but i at least went grocery shopping and have been counting points. and drinking water. i'm slowly moving towards healthier overall living (i know myself, and i always move at turtle speeds) but i'm doing better than i have been the last few weeks, and that is good.

overall though it's been an amazing week. it was one of those weeks that could have been a downer (i was turned down for a promotion at work), but instead it has been fantastic and i feel so blessed to be living my life.

i love having that peace about where i am in life.

anyways, i'm off to a bachelorette party tonight! :) next post i will share some stuff about florida and my new love for green goddess dressing.

xoxo

monday is a new day.

okay, i confess. i have been a slacker. the past few weeks have been a mixture of confusion/excitment/busyness, but i am back. and i've realized something important:

the endoscopy and subsequent "what if" questions totally freaked me out. after googling all the things that could be causing the acid/digestive-type problems i have been having for the past two years, my "it's not that serious" bubble was totally burst. suddenly i was overwhelmed with helplessness and frustration.

what really threw me off track were some of the recommendations to clean up your digestive system. i mean, i've already given up almost all white carbs and sugar in an effort to lose weight and combat insulin resistance. other recommendations were to eliminate dairy and gluten (wheat), limit hard-to-digest vegetables (such as broccoli and brussel sprouts) and eat as little meat as possible.

that might be fine and dandy, but i have been instructed to stay away from certain things because they effect the acidity in my stomach. i stopped eating oranges and grapefruits, don't drink coffee or anything that is caffienated, or eat certain spicy foods (so sad since i love curry...).

in this whirlwind of "DON'T EAT THIS, DON'T EAT THAT!" i began to feel like,

HOLY CRAP - WHAT CAN I EAT?!?!?

needless to say, i had a little meltdown on a trip to the grocery store. absolutely everything i picked up had something "bad for me" in it. i left the store crying, drove home and cried myself to sleep. i then followed that up with a three week binge on many many crappy foods, because i just felt defeated and needed to live in denial for a while.

anyways, it's three weeks later and i am back on the wagon. i finally admitted to myself how upsetting this whole situation has been for me, and have made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the test.

in the meantime, i've cut myself some slack. i am continue to eat healthy in the best way i know how. even if i can't figure everything out with my body right now - i can still lose weight and that will help my overall health.

thanks for being patient and hangin' in there with me.

in other news - i was in a musical on the weekend which was a fundraiser for my trip to japan in may. it was fantastic! here are some pics:

gettin' mic'd! (yes i made him pose)


showtimeee


end of the show!

again, thank you to all you who follow me, for all your support and for sticking with me. i really appreciate your words of encouragment and they are what keep me comin' on back to this blog :)

xoxo.

a not-so-quickie quickie

so i am back on the wagon after a week-long wander into carbland. i don't think a vegetable passed my lips for those four days!

monday, tuesday, and wednesday were stamped as epic failures and i wallowed in guilt until thursday when i decided i just needed a breather. i needed some time to think about stuff other than my weight. i realized during this self-imposed hiatus that the meal plan is not something i should be doing on a regular basis - only during busy times. this week i felt incredibly restricted and it just backfired completely. when i was forced to eat things that were not on the plan, i felt a complete loss of control. it was also demoralizing to think that i had spent sooo much of my time on something that i wasn't. even. using. anyway, i remembered that part of why i love ww is that it is flexible! my life is always crazy and i need to be able to let the program work for me. so, no more meal plans that are that strict...

anyways, in other news i am going away for spring break baby!

FLORIDA HERE I COME!

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOO!

i'm pretty excited! booked my flight on thursday night, so all things are go... i am leaving in one week today! *shocked face*

i'm really looking forward to a vacation and having some me-time. christmas was a great break - but it felt like it was all go-go-go-go. i basically lived out of my car for a week travelling around to see friends and family. after new years i thought i would have time to chill/relax/figure out life... but i spent three days watching jersey shore and then it was back to the grind. no fair!

so this time i'm looking forward to five days of bliss on a beach and am working like a mad little bunny on homework so i can go with no assignments looming over my head. *sigh* such is the life of a student.

in other news, i am still training for the 5k. i increased my speed so i am back to intervals (blah). it's harder than i expected it to be at this point. i thought by this point i would just be used to running - maybe even enjoy it... but i still struggle around 5 - 10 mins, and after that a string of unmentionable curse words occupy my mind. hopefully this will change soon. at least i'm still at it? that's an accomplishment, right?! heck, i've been running since the beginning of november... four months dude. that's committment.

anyway i wanted to share a little story to finish off this post; something that reminded me of the importance of little steps going the distance.

well, last year around this time i weighed about 210 lbs. i had just started a new job and my supervisor weighed about the same as me after recently losing a lot of weight on ww. i found her weight loss really inspiring and so when i joined ww again back in the summer, i let her know. at that point she was maintaining her weight but was no longer doing the program.

i continued with ww during the summer, but come fall i lost motivation and spent two months off of the program. once the end of october rolled around, i realized i needed to get my crap together. a big motivator for me to rejoin was something i had written in my journal two years before; "...i don't want to be at this same place next year..."

it was really humbling reading that more than two years later. i still had the same goals and desires, and i had let myself be slack for way too long. it was positively unacceptable to think that a year from then things could still be the same. i wasn't going to allow it. i wouldn't continue to let my life pass by me unhappy and unfulfilled. i rejoined ww in october with a fresh resolve.

now for the neat part. since i started that job last year, which seems like aaaaages ago (but of course at the same time like yesterday) i have lost about 20 lbs. i'm happy for my accomplishments, including the weight loss, but sometimes get frustrated and feel like i could have done more.

the other day i went in to work and bumped into my old supervisor, whom i haven't seen for quite a few months. while we chit-chatted i couldn't help but notice that she has gained a lot of weight since the last time i saw her. probably 30 - 40 lbs.

something about seeing her made me swell with pride. i think it is because we started at the same point, but went two separate ways. i know that if i had made choices that did not put my health as a priority - being a member at ww, making healthy meals, going to the gym, etc. then i could very well be in the same spot as i was last year (my initial fear) or worse - have gained even more weight.

the sacrifices, decisions, and money that have gone in this journey haven't been wasted. and it's still just beginning! i know that the future has so much more for me...

have a great day bloggies!

meal plan!

now, just for the record, i'm not a detail-oriented person... the pts values are guesstimated here and there...

hard work = success

sorry i have been mia for the past week or so! i really have no good excuse, only that i have been too lazy to write about the happenings of my life!

this past week was much less stressful than other recent ones. my "to-do" list has gotten significantly shorter, and so i feel much less overwhelmed! :) i by no means have life "under control" - but i'm working on it! and the good news is despite having the urge to binge on carbs until the point of a food coma every day - i still managed to lose 1.2 lbs this last week!

*thumbs up*

i am now at 192.6 lbs!

i made another meal plan this week because i found it was really helpful last time - for a few reasons.

• the meal plan helps me make good choices objectively. i can see my food laid before me before i even purchase it, let alone put it in my mouth! it's helped me realize how much i truly eat without thinking, and how much more balance i can use in my diet. the new perspective has been really helpful!

• it takes the edge off of having to constantly plan what i am going to eat. i hate that feeling of being starved because i didn't pack a lunch, or didn't have a snack to bring, am standing in line with nothing healthy to order or am home and have nothing suitable to make a meal in my fridge. it's much less chaotic to just take some extra time at the beginning of the week and have everything more or less done, accessible, and ready-to-go.

this meal plan idea has been a part of practicing what i've been learning recently.

i am at a time in my life where i really feel myself changing. i'm beginning to realize that to get from where you are to where you want to be requires hard work. this may sound simple and obvious to some of you, but it is a lesson that is only truly hitting home for me now.

for example - so many times i beat myself up for not being farther ahead in life, whether that be in school/a career/a relationship/whatever. the feeling creeps up especially during times when i have to contemplate major life decisions, like i have in these past couple of weeks.

it's especially severe when i see old friends who are happily plugging along in life, or meet people who are doing what i want to be doing. it is so easy for me to be confronted with their success, become inflamed with jealousy and spiral into a mental landslide of negative emotion and self-talk.

however, this week i realized something worth sharing: it is easy to be jealous of someone's success.

it is easy for me to look at others great opportunities/skills/talents/accomplishments and die a little bit inside, because i don't have what they have.

however, 9 times/10 that success is simply a byproduct of years and years of hard work.

i see success, not the hours of practice.

i see success, not the years of volunteer work and study.

i see success, not the heartbreak and doubt.

it is so easy to be jealous of someone's success if you're ignorant of how hard they worked to achieve it.

this lesson obviously applies to my weight-loss journey as well. it is another aspect of my life where i cannot neglect the importance of plain 'ol hard work. yes, making my meal plan was a pain in the buttocks. but perhaps that's just what it takes to be successful. either it is worth it to me or it isn't.

hopefully you are able to see that i decided it was :)

anyhoo, feel free to post any comments on this! i love your comments! i'll post a copy of this week's meal plan! sorry i didn't post last week's but i didn't think it was good didn't think you'd be interested. you are more than welcome to peruse this one :)

toodles!

p.s. can't forget to say how SUPER excited i am to have won kerry's book giveaway! yay yay yay! so excited to dig into that baby!

one of those days.

monday morning always comes too soon, doesn't it?!

just finished my bowl of steel-cut oats with brown sugar and almond breeze. yum.

yesterday was just one of those days. i work downtown on sundays and had agreed to drop some friends off at church on the way there. we were running late and everything was chaotic. they were harping on the fact that they were late, and i was super worried about getting to work on time. needless to say, i was gunnin' it. then, low and behold - for the first time in my life people - i got a speeding ticket.

GRRRRRRRRR!!*#&&#$

needless to say, once i got to work the day didn't get much better. i managed to survive until i got home, where i then proceeded to eat two bowls of pasta and mini-wheats and then go to bed.

when i read tiff's post this morning, it spoke to that place in me that just feels like a failure. last night before i binged on carbs, i felt so overwhelmed. things that i haven't done, people i haven't talked to, homework assignments i haven't started kept popping into my mind one after another, each one with their own emotional blow. i would remember one, wallow briefly in depression and associated bad feelings, then think "ugh - whatever, forget it!" just so i could relax. i would stuff all my emotions down and ignore them so i didn't have to think about them at all.

it was not until this morning that i realized in stuffing and ignoring those emotions i was ignoring my own needs. in saying, "i don't care!" instead of allowing myself to feel, or addressing the real issue, i allowed myself to be weak and helpless. hence the binge on comfort food. yeah. kay. click.

anyways just thought i'd share. i'm off to do some laundry.

make sure to check out tj's blog 'cuz she is doing a massively amazing giveaway! as well as kerry who is giving away a copy of a book that changed her life!

toodles! :)

an update with expression

hellooo bloggity blog! high fiveeee, another week under the belt!

at weigh-in this morning i weighed in at 193.8! meaninggg my dear friends, that i am down 1.8 this week! :D it really worked folks!


i am so encouraged. in the past, when i hit a plateau i simply gave up... i'd get all distracted with life or whatever was going on, i'd give myself excuses to "put things on hold for a while," but this time i was not willing to! obvi there's no way i was listening to those lies anymore! this is my chance to make a change and make it for good...

anyways, i knew i had a hard week ahead of me, and so i planned and planned and planned. the meal plan and grocery list took me about two hours to sort out on monday. in the end, i didn't even end up following it 100% (deets further down) but it definitely made me accountable. this week there were so many times i thought, "oh, i'll just have a piece of that..." or "maybe i'll grab something on the way..." but then i would have to quickly remind myself that i had no points to "fool around with"! everything had already been accounted for.

that experience really opened my eyes to how much whimsical eating i do. by whimsical (yeah, totally just made that up) i mean the kind of eating that follows my thoughts of "hm, i feel like this!" or "hey, maybe i'll get some of that!" apparently i feel whimsical quite often (which is good for my alterior identity as a magical elf), but i didn't even realize how much it was effecting my efforts to drop some poundz.

in other news, on wednesday i had my endoscopy.

yes, i was pretty nervous. but once i got there all the doctors and nurses were really nice and put me at ease. i put on my stylin' gown and robe. i was told they were going to sedate me with a general anesthetic, but it turned out the anesthetic was optional (!) and so i opted to be awake for the procedure. yeah, i'm hardcore like that.

it was soooo cool to see inside my own body. the doctor sent a long tube down my esophagus and into my stomach. it was uncomfortable, but it didn't really hurt. he poked around in there for a few minutes, took some biopsies of my stomach lining and then it was all over. the whole thing probably only took about 5 - 7 minutes.

the most embarassing part about the whole thing was that even though i had fasted for more than ten hours for the procedure (as per their instructions), there was a ton of food in my stomach! the doctor told me this was really abnormal (i could even recognize the brussell sprouts i had had for dinner the night before! GROSS right?!) and said maybe that is part of what is causing problems with my stomach. he gave me a perscription for a medication, so we'll see. i'm highly skeptical of doctors, especially when it seems like they're just pulling pills out from their sleeves for everything.

anyhoo, since the endoscopy i had some unusual pain in my stomach, so i haven't been eating as much (hence the non-meal-plan following). it's much better today though and i even felt well enough to go to the gym and run 5k!!

now, this is not a super big deal because i did a 5 min warm-up walk and a 5 min walk in the middle because of some stomach pain... but this run felt frickin' amazing. i pushed myself harder than i have in a long time because i wanted to see THREE FREAKIN' MILES on the little screen. and i did :)


so that's the story, morning glory. life is as it is... school, eat, sleep, run, be fantastic. watch glee. love sue sylvester and her hilarity. spend three hours at sephora. drink starbucks soy chai latte (thrice). flirt with barista boys at starbucks who say i smell good (despite the fact i have not done laundry in two weeks, score). read pride and prejudice and laugh out loud at mr. collins. do dishes that have piled up for days. dance. nap.


hope you're havin' a great one!

to-do list for today

1. get up. check.

2. study like a crazy woman. check. the article (from hell) that i never thought i'd be able to understand began to make sense today! (on the third read). hoorah! later on i must also immerse myself in pride and prejudice until i finish it (by thursday).

3. run like a crazy woman at the gym. check! i ran 3 kilometres in 25 minutes today guys. i am doing this. it feels amazing.

4. drink water like a crazy woman. check. got those 3 litres in!

5. eat crazy delicious lunch as per my strategically organized week-long-meal-plan-for-success. check! mmm so delicious and scheduled...

6. have a crazy awesome time at work doing karate. check! i ate some unexpected pizza, but i'll scribble it down and keep on keepin' on...

7. go grocery shopping. check. i picked up more greek yogurt (from the only place that sells it in the city) and did a fruit and veggie run with my list (attached to the meal plan). i squirmed at the cash registered but knocked out the big bucks because i figure it will be worth it to just have everything i need and not have to go to the store midweek. i probably spend the same amount of moolah every week but it never seems like that much because it's in random bits here and there...

8. come home, study, and enjoy a fabulous soy chai latte. mmm. check.


there's my whole 'lotta crazy for today. the past two nights i have successfully managed to avoid the orange blossoms on the counter of our kitchen labelled "for everyone" and all in all stick to my eating plan. if that doesn't spell s-u-c-c-e-s-s i don't know what does.

off to study! :)

yummy yummy

so, today was weigh-in day and i, well... didn't weigh in. the first reason was because i have to renew my membership in two weeks and so to stretch my (non-abundant) funds further i decided i would use my "missed meeting" coupon. secondly (and admittedly not a very good reason to miss a meeting, but i'm just bein' honest here), i have come to accept the fact that i have hit a plateau.

i unofficially weighed myself this morning and came in at 195.something. ugh! despite my efforts for the past three weeks my body has refused to lose weight. it's a sad and demoralizing situation, however! i made a resolution this morning not to wallow in my own capulence and decided to use the time i had while i was playin' hooky from the meeting to formulate a plan of attack. i did some internet reading and read through the ww pamphlet on pushing past plateaus. after that i made a spreadsheet of all my meals for the week and a grocery list! tomorrow i will be making a schedule of gym/study time. then it's only a matter of transferring it from paper to real life! and that's easy ;) (HAha)

honestly, i think part of what's causing this plateau is just the stress i'm feeling in life. life has been a little bumpy for me since christmas, and i've been having to buckle down and think out major decisions and deal with what's going to happen in the future. sometimes i just feel completely overwhelmed.

but i've had a great few weeks! and everyday i make a little more progress. i really am enjoying my new classes and work is still fantastic. i have amazing friends, i'm blessed, and things are just totally working out for me even though sometimes it doesn't "feel" like it. i keep reminding myself everyday to stay positive and look at everything that is good and wonderful in my life! and believe me, i have 489549755.5 things to be thankful for.


now, one of the things i'm thankful for in life is stumbling upon a good recipe. as promised, i wanted to share the recipe i tried the other day for falafels!

as my little story goes, i had a can of chickpeas hangin' around my cupboard.

as you can see, it was just beggin' to be used:

after rollin' around some foodie websites, i decided falafels were in order! i found a ww recipe, and after a little tweaking came up with this:

falafels for a cuter tush

• 1 can chickpeas, drained
• 1 medium onion
• 2 - 3 cloves fresh garlic
• 1/4 tsp. baking soda
• salt (a few shakey-shakeys)
• handful chopped fresh coriander
• sprinkle of cumin
• 1 - 2 tbsps flour
• 1 tbsp olive oil

directions!

chop up onion, garlic, and coriander; place in mixing bowl. mash or blend chickpeas (i did mine in the magic bullet) and chuck the them into the bowl with the ongariander mix. stir together until you have a nice looking mish-mash. add baking soda, salt, and flour (enough to make it not super sticky).

after preheating your oven to 400 degrees, pull out your best non-stick frying pan. pour in olive oil (i'm sure you could also use non-stick spray, i just like the oilyness) and heat it on up. form patties with the chickpea mixture and fry 'em on each side. place the browned patties on a non-stick cookie sheet and bake for 15 - 20 minutes, until they feel firm in the middle.

then, voila! YUMMYNESS!

i have been eating mine in a high-protein pita with tzadiki and lots of romaine lettuce. it's been a super nutricious and low-point lunch for me! each patty is only about 1 or 2 pts, depending on how big it is. i count two smallish patties with romaine and a tbsp of tzadiki 7 pts! :D

anyways, if you try this recipe let me know if you enjoy it. hope you're all having an amazing weekend!

seven things and a huge nsv

the past few days have been quite the whirlwind, and unfortunately the blogging has fallen to the wayside. never fear! i am still here and doing fairly well. i'm just having a little bit of a hard time working out the kinks in life, but i'm learning to be at peace with taking it all in one thing at a time.

sometimes it's just hard to re-adjust, to fall back into a groove. but it's a constant thing as a student because life is always up in the air. for example, recently i spent endless hours recruiting a new room mate for our apartment only to find out today someone else has decided to move out. it's tough, it sucks, it stresses me out - but it's life and i'm learning to deal with all the bumps along the way. the very obscure, untraditional, one-day-this-is-gonna-make-an-awesome-memoir way.

now, once upon a time i was tagged by the beautiful tiffany and given a "beautiful blogger" award! hoorah!




as is the custom, i will (as a token of my appreciation!) share with you seven random things about myself in no particular order;

1. i lose my cell phone.

it is a commonly known fact by my friends and family that i lose my cell phone. i break it, i wash it, i leave it places. people do not expect to get a hold of me when they call. my messages are routinely full, many times i only check them biweekly. i am the person that texts you three days after you sent me your text. it's sad, i know.



2. i sing.

quite well.

3. i learn for fun.

in highschool i read an article about how no one should go to college unless they want to. i took it really seriously. education should only be for those who really want to learn, it said - and i think i still believe that. somewhere along the way i realized i really like to learn and i'm good at it. i like school, and i also like picking up random hobbies and skills. yes, i'm a nerd.

4. i sleep with five pillows.

strange but true. the more pillows, the better. i hog them. i snuggle them. i love them.

5. i have never been kissed.

nope, nada, never. it just is what it is folks. i'm not sure whether it's just 100% sad and pathetic or if someday i'll be happy i spent my life waiting for a special guy. i guess we'll see.



6. i watch makeup videos on youtube.

i have a strange obsession with makeup. it's one of those things i could buy oodles and oodles of and never have enough to satiate my desires to buy more. a part of this strange obsession is that i have been known to watch makeup videos and tutorials on youtube. this definitely isn't a daily or even a monthly occurence, but it has been known to happen.

7. i love to garden.

not only is gardening one of my lesser-known hobbies, but i spent four years of my life working at a large, prominent garden centre. i did a variety of jobs there and even met a few celebrities. many times people assumed i had been to school for horticulture. really, i just read a lot of books and talked to a lot of people. it's not rocket science.




and that makes lucky number seven! hope you enjoyed those tidbits about yours truly :)

before i say adieu i want to share a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge NSV with you guys! yeah, this is big people, this is real big. as you know - i have been running. and as you know, i hit a plateau at eight minutes. soooooo much in me was so discouraged at not being able to get past eight minutes. i kept thinking - how on earth am i gonna run this 5k race in march?!

well, a couple of days ago (i know, i know! i should have blogged right away but i didn't have enough time to do it justice!) i went to the gym and took some advice from my sister and the friendly folks over at the ww message boards. everyone suggested that i slow my pace for endurance and then gradually increase it once i can run the length of the race. well, i lowered it by one mile an hour and I RAN FOR 17 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, I KNOW. I KNOW! TRY AND CALM YOURSELVES!

honestly, i can hardly express to you how HAPPY i was when i finished that run! it was like i had conquered the world. i was so refreshed and encouraged. now i definitely know i can run that whole race. no, it's not going to be easy but if i can run almost half the race right now and i still have more than a month to train, i will definitely be able to run the whole thing come march!

anyways, just want to thank all of you who read my blog for believing in me. i write this blog for me, but it is so nice to have encouragment from you and to know that i am inspiring you in some way on your journey as well.

tomorrow i will post the recipe for yummy falafels i made today! toodles! <3

weigh-in

i have been sooo busy for the last week. i sat down on wednesday night to make my comprehensive "to-do" list, and believe it or not it was actually twenty tasks long! most of the things aren't light or fluffy either, they are serious things that i hate dealing with. we're talking bills, doctors, school, money, bank, planning-for-the-future kind of tasks. bah.

i weighed in on saturday at 195.6 which is .4 up from last week. honestly - i don't know what to say. i tracked sooo well this week, worked out at least three times and still gained. i'm frustrated and trying to pinpoint what could be wrong. there are only a few things that i think could be at the root of this problem;

1. water
i drank at least six glasses every day this week (so still within the healthy guidelines range), but sometimes i find that is just not enough. optimally i need to get in at least eight of water alone, and then everything else is bonus. this week i'm going to make a point of getting in more water.

2. tom
i've been feeling super hormonal and bloaty lately, so i feel like that tom is a'comin soon. part of me hopes i am just retaining tons of water, but i don't really think that is realistic. what if it's not water?

3. a plateau
i've experienced plateaus on ww before, and they always discouraged me to the point where i just quit the program. i'm glad that i'm at a place in life now where i can honestly say that i don't see doing ww as a program, or a diet - but this is the way that i am, the way that i eat and the way i look after my body. i still have random blips (for example, i definitely had a slushie and some reeses tonight) but at the end of the day i know what i need to do to feel fresh, healthy and alive - so i do it, no matter what my scale reads.

as far as the scope goes, turns out my appointment last thursday was only for a consultation (apparently my doctor was wrong to tell me i would get the scope on my first appointment, the specialist's secretary told me this is a frequent problem). anyways, the new date for the scope is this thursday. needless to say, i'm dreading it and absolutely hate the thought of having to go to the hospital for this. bahbahbahx100.

anyhoo, i'm off to watch the real housewives of the oc. just wanted to come clean on the ww dealio and report re: the non-happening (but soon to happen) scope. i'll be back with better posts later. ttyl!

i double as a superhero

so yesterday night, my room mates and i were up late hanging around the apartment. we were talking in the living room, when suddenly we heard a rather loud (but distant) ringing sound. my room mates thought it was coming from one of the other apartments, but i had an inkling that it was coming from waaaay down the hall, and that someone was stuck in the elevator.

needless to say, i mosied on down to see and sure enough i was right! i was a little shocked that i was the only person to come out of an apartment. even our superintendents live right next to the elevator! the ringing had been going on for at least five minutes! i began to mobilize a help party (oh yes, i'm totally a superhero) so i knocked on their door. it took them a good long while to answer and then when i explained the situation they stood there completely dumbfounded. they came out to fiddle with the buttons on the elevator until i (impatiently) asked them if there was an emergency number they could call.

elevator dude's wife showed up a short time later and explained that he had only been taking a trip down to take out the garbage. hahah. i couldn't help but laugh. eventually help came, and he was liberated to go back and live his life. yay! all in a day's work. but seriously, it's disturbing that no one else came to help! all i could think was what if someone was attacked in the elevator? everyone would have just continued chilling in their apartments watching their jeopardy and eating their cheese doodles.

ANywhayz, in other news, i am slightly terrified because today i have to go for a esophagogastroduodenoscopy today. yeah, try saying that three times fast! ;) i've had the appointment for months, but wasn't really thinking much about it (my doctor said it was no big deal) until last night, when i googled it and found out that for the procedure they hop you up on a cocktail of painkillers, muscle relaxants, sedatives and external analgesics. gah. i'm really hoping and praying everything will be alright, and that this just lets me know the source of the craziness that has been occuring in my body (i've had unexplained acid reflux for two years). i'm not super excited about the drugs though, or the scope. boo, i'm such a baby :(


anyways, ttyl!

mmm, pancakes.

so, for some unknown reason (or possibly a rogue can of diet coke) i was up until 4:30 am last night. i sat in the wee hours of the morning, watching the newest episode of jersey shore (yes, i'm pathetic) on almost-mute so that i didn't wake the dog.

snaps for me though, i still got up bright and early for my weigh-in.

no loss this week, i stayed the exaaactly same. slightly annoying since i was good this week (!), but i'm pretty sure it's just water weight because according to my scale i was down a few days ago but ballooned up suddenly for no reason at all.

i don't really have a plan for today. i'm still in "break" mode but there is a lot of stuff i have to do before school starts again on tuesday. i am so not ready to go back, but it will be good to have more structure in my life again. i definitely benefit from that. and i am excited to see my friends. i've kind of been a hermit for the last week.

can i just tell you what an amazing breakfast i had this morning? i decided that after weigh-in i would eat whateeeeeeeeeever i wanted, and i decided i really wanted pancakes. with fruit. and whipped cream.

the best part was that i contemplated a variety of options in my mind, but settled on making my world-famous (hmm, work with me) oatmeal pancakes, the kind i make in my magic bullet. i figured i could pick up a small container of whipped cream, and use some of my amazing europe's best fruit mix.

needless to say, it turned out fabulous. unfortunately i am a big butt since i didn't get to snap a picture (i was starving and my room mate and i were having an important convo i couldn't really tear myself away from) but it was glorious and exactly what i wanted.

this is kind of a nsv. even after giving myself freedom to choose whatever i wanted, i still wanted wholesome, hearty, healthy food. sure, normally i don't eat dollops and dollops of whipped cream (although, i'd rather eat it than its weird, synthetic counterpart). but the oatmeal pancakes and fruit were both things i eat all the time. i guess it's true that the food you eat quickly becomes the food you crave.

this just brings home the fact that for me, ww is just a tool that i am using to change my life. beyond the point-counting, meetings, booklets, pamphlets, etc. - i am learning to nourish my body and holistically look after myself. it's wonderful!

have a great saturday bloggies! get some sunshine!

i'll huff 'n puff 'n blow your effing house down

today was another unexciting day. i started it off with a bowl of shreddies and an apple, and then hopped off to the gym. after 15 mins on the elliptical, i did a 25 min run/walk. got home feelin' good and took the dog out for a pee.

i don't think i have blogged about this yet, but to my complete and utter surprise my sister registered me for a 5k run as one of my christmas gifts. needless to say, on christmas morn' she told me the news and i was overcome with terror, anxiety, excitment and joy. this is something i so deeply want to do for myself. in fact, i was already looking into it, but had managed to talk myself out of doing it in the near future. bah, what is family for?

the race is in march, which is only a couple short months away. this is really forcing me to take running seriously. up until now, i have been loosely following the couch to 5k plan, but more or less on my own terms. the longest i have run has been 8 1/2 minutes. unfortunately, that's just not gonna cut it for the race. i want to be able to run all of it. and if that's too lofty a goal, i want to do my very best trying.

something that has been sort of looming over my head is a comment my dad made the other day when i told him about the race. i mentioned that my sister and i were doing it together and one of the only things he said was, "well, you'll certainly be huffing and puffing... (insert chuckle here)"

my heart dropped when he said that. i actually wanted to punch him in the face. i couldn't believe that he didn't have one word of encouragment for me. instead, he decided to make an assumption. yeah, my sister weighs less than i do. yeah, she has been running longer than i have. you may think you're funny, but obviously you are just saying that because you think i am too fat to run. well, @#!* you.

what he said cut me somewhere deep. his words were like the voices of failure i allowed myself to accept over the years just because i was too "fat."

for so much of my life i allowed myself to be second best, to sit in the shadows, and to believe those voices that said i was not enough. i believed the words of shame, fear and uncertainty.

if i still listened to those voices, i wouldn't run - because fat girls don't run.

but i've changed.
it's terrifying and exhilarating.
i push myself harder - and damnit

i change.

i don't hear my doubts as loudly.

i outrun my fears.

i will run this race to prove those voices, and my old self, wrong.

that being said, i leave you with the lyrics to one of my new fav workout songs which continues to motivate me to runnnn run run! "check yes juliet" by we the kings;

lace up your shoes
here's how we do
run baby run
don't ever look back
they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance
don't sell your heart

don't say we're not meant to be
run baby run

forever will be
You and me

anyways, hope you had a great thursday. toodles!

puppy sitting

today, during my convalescence, i spent most of my time puppy sitting. my room mate had to work and so the puppy and i chilled out and watched movies. once she settled down for an afternoon nap, i had some chicken soup (hopefully it will help me feel better), blueberries, and roasted brussel sprouts for lunch.

around 3 o'clock, i managed to rally enough energy to do some grocery shopping. i braved the frigid weather to go to no frills, and picked up some yummies, including a box of cake mix and some club soda to make ww cupcakes!

so exciting.

when i came home i had some leftover speghetti with whole wheat noodles, and then i commenced the cupcake plan. i'm sure most of you have had these, they are super easy. you just take:

- any cake mix

- a can of diet coke (but i prefer club soda)

mix the two together to make the batter and then bake as normal. no eggs, no oil, just club soda and cake mix! they make yummy little cupcakes that are around 100 cals a piece. i used duncan hines french vanilla cake mix, and i had a bottle of club soda left over from a party so i measured out 355 ml to add. when i mixed it all up it looked like this!

i also picked up some decaf vanilla hazelnut coffee! i made some in the french press with steamed milk while the cupcakes were in the oven. yumm!



and now i am enjoying one of these little cupcakes, with my coffee, while i write this post :)

i will leave you guys with some thoughts from yesterday. you see, last night i went to work and we went snow tubing. it was really cold, but sooo much fun! my group really enjoyed it, and so did i.

there is something about a ski hill at night - it's so quiet and peaceful. always lit up just perfectly. i was at the bottom of the hill at one point, looking around and thinking about how four or five years ago, snow tubing would have terrified me. not because i am afraid of heights or going down icy hills in inflatable tubes (which i totally am, but that is besides the point), but because i would have thought i was too overweight to even try.

the fact that last night that thought did not even cross my mind is a testament to how far i have really come. my weight used to hold me back from so many things, and from living my life to the fullest. i can truly and honestly say that as i continue to transform my body and my life, that is not true anymore. i'm happy it's not.

weigh-in and a furry friend

so this post is basically a random mish-mash of updates, or something of the sort. first of all, weigh-in!

even though i had gained some weight last week according to my scale, i must have peed most of it away because i weighed in at 195.2 lbs, that's .4 lost! made it to that .1% percentile of "loss"
that i gave myself. i was soo convinced i would gain. maybe it was that i almost stripped naked wore the same clothes i did at my last weigh-in, but who knows.

when i came home, there was a little surprise waiting for me! one of my room mates and her boyfriend adopted a puppy and brought her here to stay for the week. she's a little lab-mix pup, 3 months old, and a ball of energy!

isn't she cute?! it has great to have a puppy around! i absolutely love animals! she is so playful, but definitely a handful. it is obvious that my room mate and her boyfriend didn't really know what they were getting themselves into when they adopted her. my roommate goes to school full-time and they both work, so i have no idea what will happen to this puppy once life goes back to "normal." she needs constant supervision, needs to be potty-trained and has a few bad habits already. for example, when you pick her up she snarls and tries to bite you. that's fine in a pup that's five or so lbs, but what happens when she is the size of a lab!?

anyhoo, in other news apparently i am coming down with a little head-cold. i wondered why for the past few days i have felt so drained of energy! even on new years eve, i could barely motivate myself to go out for the concert/mingle thing (which was super fun, p.s.)! the entire night i wanted to go home! and that is so not like me.

yesterday, after getting home from church, we had lunch and then i "went to my room for a few minutes to check my email." those few minutes turned into a 3 hour nap! when i woke up, i had something to eat, and then spent the entire rest of the night wanting to go back to sleep.

when i woke up this morning i felta little better but... not really. i had some oatmeal for breakfast with banana and protein powder. i looove oats. now, the other day i tried the breakfast cookie; which has oats, protein powder, peanut butter, a splash of almond milk and whatever else you wanna throw in it. i made it with a few chocolate chips (sorry i didn't snap a pic). i told you that once i tried it i would tell you what i thought. well, the jury is out and i didn't like it. yes, it kept me full for a few hours - but i hated the taste/texture of uncooked oats. if you have an aversion to cooked oatmeal, i encourage you to try the recipe. however, i love me some cooked cereal. so, the next day i decided to throw all of the same ingredients into a bowl of cooked oats and it had the same effect. tasted decent to me and kept me full for 3.5 hours!

i'm off then to pop this vitamin cocktail... mmm... i have no plan for the day but hopefully i start feeling better and can cross a few things off my to-do list that is about 494095.5 things long! have a great day and toodles!

up and at it!

i was up super late last night watching the time travellers wife. quite the sobfest. i then found my house all eerie (yeah, the movie kind of freaked me out) so i made a breakfast cookie and managed to fall asleep around 2 am.


since i have some people coming over today, i wanted to go to my meeting early. but man, i hate getting up early! especially to put on as little clothes as possible for my weigh-in!


i'm 99.9% sure i have gained weight, and i haven't fully gotten back on the wagon. i haven't been eating tons of crap since tuesday, but i have yet to do that refill-your-cupboards-and-crispers-with-healthy-food grocery shop yet. yesterday i literally ate the random leftover foods of my room mates (and some leftover pizza from new years) because i was out of food and there wasn't a grocery store open.


anyways, this is just a quickie. i'll post something after my meeting. toodles.